Surreal

I’m stuck between the past and the future. I’m in a surreal world, where sweetness becomes bitterness and things aren’t what they seem. Subtle cruelty to the mind. All I can do is sit and watch the show until the lights come on again so I can walk out. Left with an impression so deep, it aches my heart.
Darkness is there for tears to draw their invisible though warm track on my cold skin. I try to hold in my breath and make no sound. If only he knew. But my confused tears are mine. Running down my cheeks, tiny little rivers from the spring of my soul.
And I cry my muffled cry, while the emptiness in my head rocks me to sleep again. Slowly. Only for a moment, to escape from the things that are just shadows. Till I find myself awake again in the tight corner of this vicious circle. My freaky merry-go-round…

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Appreciation

It’s almost amusing to notice how people tend to back away from you when something ‘bad’ happens in your life. It almost seems like you’re not allowed to feel sad, depressed, moody or any other, by society labelled as ‘bad’, emotion. Or they can’t seem to deal with it. Well I’m not going to apologise for having bad days and what you’ll read on my website are true feelings because I’m real and I don’t pretend to be happy when I’m not.
It reminds me of 2002 when my father died of cancer after being hospitalised for three months. It was a relief to finally let go of all the stress and to be able to let go of him in a very heartwarming and loving way. It was good because I had a chance to say goodbye to him and tell him everything I wanted him to know. Share my final thoughts and feelings. Those moments are priceless and I treasure them forever.
But back then some people didn’t have a clue how to deal with this and instead of giving support, they backed away quietly. Instead of trying to understand, they started to ignore. I have to admit that wasn’t easy for me and I have to admit at times I took it very personal. Friends turned out to be not such good friends at all, almost like a natural selection, only the true and strong ones survived. I clung on to the ones who were there for me till the end and they are still there for me here and now.
These days I know better and I try not to take things personal, in the end I will only have gained no matter what happens. I’ve received some really sweet emails over the last few days and that is exactly what I need right now, a funny picture, an interesting link, something light, a few kind words/lines, a comment etc. I would like to thank these people, you know who you are when you read this: some friends, some acquaintances, some I’ve never even met in the real world, only online.
Life comes with good and bad things, if it wasn’t for the bad I wouldn’t be able to appreciate the good…