Detaching 2009

Hello 2009, hello snow, hello Apple.com, hello future, goodbye 2008, goodbye clutter, goodbye past, goodbye London(?). I wish all my blog readers a wonderful 2009, it will be a good year. I’ve started with fresh energy and a hopeful heart. I welcome Apple.com who had another look at this page which is the third time by now: do you think dreams will come true? It would be great to work for them [again] and design everything Apple related. So who knows…

I have been fighting a flu for three weeks now, everyone around me has been effected one way or another. I’m still trying to get it out of my system before it hits me hard but no luck so far. This bug seems so bad it takes at least two to three weeks to recover *sigh*. I know something must be wrong if I fall asleep on the couch at 20.00 and I have been doing this for three weeks already. I feel totally drained during the day so I’ll keep an eye on my system.

This morning Mother Nature decided to surprise me like she did last year but she was earlier much much earlier and there’s more to expect this week especially tomorrow and on Wednesday. I couldn’t take pictures because an hour later the sun surprised me peeking through the clouds and taking away Mum’s crystal gift. It’s been bitterly cold for a while already and while it was that cold I decided to go to the storage and start the declutter of 2009.

Forced once again to throw out more personal possessions due to the restless mind of the person I have to live with, I hope this year will bring an end to this although I’m sure it happens for a reason that I can’t understand yet. Though it’s easy to look back and emphasise all that I gave up on: jobs, apartment, friends, I shouldn’t think like that. I should look ahead no matter how big the obstacles are that I’m facing: that which does not kill us makes us stronger.

So I started with the ‘small’ obstacles while I still have time: January is a quiet month jobs-wise. I dressed myself in 20 layers of clothing, locked myself up in the storage: an open space with metal containers, where the temperature is the same inside as outside [-3] with a constant draft over my head. I’ve been throwing out things I don’t need or use which will all be taken to the charity shop where I went before to bring bags with clothes I didn’t wear: recycle baby!

One fact I became extremely aware of while cleaning out the mess is that people spend so much money on stuff they collect over the years. I now have to get rid of a VHS collection, I won’t have the space to keep them. I spent quite some money on those and will donate them to the local library -which will make those happy who can’t afford DVDs- and thát to me is the only way to justify the money that would otherwise end up in the bin, it’s not a total waste…

Today is another day of throwing out stuff that I don’t use. It makes me think about why people feel the need to keep these endless records of data, because that’s what it is in a way. Objects that trigger neurons… it’s exactly how a computer works. The only difference is that I have a choice in what data to keep and what to delete. Although in this phase of my life I don’t seem to have much of a choice, it’s having to choose between the lesser of two evils.

Detaching and more detaching till my receptors are numb…

© R. Ritter 3 January 2009, all comes in clusters of at least two…

The End Or A New Beginning?

Well, I’m getting ready to go to hospital this Thursday and have the biopsy and surgery done. Filling out all the forms and making a list of what to bring. I’ll have to do this once again on my own, because it seems that I’m a single woman again since Monday.
It wasn’t my choice and it still isn’t but I reckon if there seems to be no other option according to the ‘ex’ other half than what is left to fight for? I would only end up getting more hurt than I already am. So I face the facts and try to start a life on my own out here or anywhere, I don’t know yet. The dream of doing this together has been shattered, so I reckon I have my own journey from now on.
I won’t make a list of what I gave up on along the line because realising that will only make things harder, let’s just say it’s a lot, basically my entire life. I just hope there will be some kind of replacement that will bring me the type of security that I need, the same security that I [thought I] had and that made me help decide to give up my life in the Lowlands and start it in London. So I really miss my friends and family at the moment.
I’m gonna deal with pain in the next few days mentally and physically, let’s hope I’ll be able to post something more positive soon. I’m trying to keep my chin up but I might not succeed at times, that’s because I’m not flawless, I never pretended to be…
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