Tag Archives: Reality

Past Ghost

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I used to have a friend, a close friend, my best friend. We used to drive to the Belgian Ardennes to spend a week there in a log cabin or an abandoned hotel over wintertime to have a typical Belgian culinary week and some kayaking, to be away from Amsterdam city life for a few. We lived three minutes apart, we would crash at each other’s place, we used to perform in bands together and go to the usual hangouts for the jam sessions.

We were best friends for twelve years until my father ended up in hospital seven years ago. I was depending on people to drive me there because of the emotional turmoil: a 40 minutes trip by car but a 1.5 hour trip by train and bus. So I’d asked her help but she refused. She got pissed off with me over something unknown and made it clear that what she decided for me would be best for me. She’d more important things to deal with than taking me to the hospital.

A week later my father past away after being hospitalised for cancer for three months. My mum sent this best friend a ‘thank you’ card after the funeral because I asked her to. Two months later I sent her an email request to talk things out but got one line back saying: ‘not interested’. I wrote her it was okay and wished her well. Till this day, I’ve no idea what pissed her off at the time, I do know it wasn’t the first time she got all worked up about nothing.

Ever since I live in the UK she has been digging for info on me. She has checked my business website, googled me and asked a mutual friend to add her to her contacts list on this social networking website probably because she can then see non-hidden parts of my profile and what messages I’ve left for others, pictures etc. This issue has been on my mind again and I’ve been speculating about her reasons and what she’s trying to accomplish.

I’m curious to see what her next move will be and if she ‘dares’ to come even closer… Did I forgive her? Yes: I meant those ‘thank you’ words on that card and I wished her well. Would I listen to what she has to say? Yes, because telling her: ‘not interested’ would be too easy and I don’t do easy. Do I want her back in my life? Probably not… So for now, I’ll just let her have that glimpse of my life through that social website, I don’t really care.

Smooth rides are boring and I’ve run out of free ones, says the Capricorn in me… ;)

…

Reflection

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Last Monday I was on the phone for two hours with my aunt in the Lowlands, she is my friend, my ‘mother’, my mirror. We always seem to have deep conversations about life and lessons to learn. That day I tried to explain to her what was going on here in London and while I was telling her about goals, dreams and realities she suddenly made me realise how much I’ve achieved over the last year. How I was thrown in at the deep end, how I nearly drowned struggling and how I slowly start to get back on my feet… I had to let go of a million things: personal things, most of my possessions and friendships, only to make room for new ones.

People tend to forget about you when you’ve left the country. Emails come in sparsely over time or even the odd reply seems to take much longer than usual. At first, friends, were a major reason for me to move back to the Lowlands if I feel I had no other option left. These days I realise it has become less important. It seems to be shifting: I couldn’t do without the friendships I have in London nor the ones online. I still value some in the Lowlands but I realise most don’t have a clue of what is going on here and it seems the interest isn’t there either. It’s life, people have their own path to follow and they’re slowly untying the relationship.

I understand because I’m in my own process of untying/tying and although I have accomplished a lot it’s odd how I still need others to remind me that I have. My aunt is a reminder and so are some of my [blog] friends. I’ve learned about different realities over the past year, my own and those of others but I’ve learned to respect one in particular. His taught me patience and gave me freedom to roam my creative realms, his made me grow and fed my hunger for knowledge. His showed me what contemplation looks like in all it’s different shades of beautiful blue. His taught me how to ignore poisonous words of others.

His gave me comfort, support and the most beautiful gift, a new reality… I have been quiet for days because I couldn’t find words to describe this feeling, I’m not even sure if I want to. Sometimes things are beyond words and don’t need to be written down to become real, I know what’s real and what isn’t. Sometimes reality stares you in the face and you suddenly become aware of it’s wonderful colours. It doesn’t blind you that particular moment because you choose and wish to see the beauty in it’s perfect reflection. It’s when you find yourself speechless, in stunned silence and almost in tears but with a huge smile on your face.

So it’s best to just be quiet and contemplate and since I love the wonderful smell of fresh baked bread in the house, I decided to bake a nice garlic and rosemary focaccia for lunch today with a plum tomato and feta omelette. Cooking is a way to relax to me and find my balance. I’m practising to get the perfect result so I can give in return one day what others gave me earlier this week, I think I came pretty close to ‘perfect’ ;)

I wish I could include aroma with a picture ;)

Garlic & rosemary focaccia with a plum tomato and feta omelette