Tag Archives: Past

Past Ghost

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I used to have a friend, a close friend, my best friend. We used to drive to the Belgian Ardennes to spend a week there in a log cabin or an abandoned hotel over wintertime to have a typical Belgian culinary week and some kayaking, to be away from Amsterdam city life for a few. We lived three minutes apart, we would crash at each other’s place, we used to perform in bands together and go to the usual hangouts for the jam sessions.

We were best friends for twelve years until my father ended up in hospital seven years ago. I was depending on people to drive me there because of the emotional turmoil: a 40 minutes trip by car but a 1.5 hour trip by train and bus. So I’d asked her help but she refused. She got pissed off with me over something unknown and made it clear that what she decided for me would be best for me. She’d more important things to deal with than taking me to the hospital.

A week later my father past away after being hospitalised for cancer for three months. My mum sent this best friend a ‘thank you’ card after the funeral because I asked her to. Two months later I sent her an email request to talk things out but got one line back saying: ‘not interested’. I wrote her it was okay and wished her well. Till this day, I’ve no idea what pissed her off at the time, I do know it wasn’t the first time she got all worked up about nothing.

Ever since I live in the UK she has been digging for info on me. She has checked my business website, googled me and asked a mutual friend to add her to her contacts list on this social networking website probably because she can then see non-hidden parts of my profile and what messages I’ve left for others, pictures etc. This issue has been on my mind again and I’ve been speculating about her reasons and what she’s trying to accomplish.

I’m curious to see what her next move will be and if she ‘dares’ to come even closer… Did I forgive her? Yes: I meant those ‘thank you’ words on that card and I wished her well. Would I listen to what she has to say? Yes, because telling her: ‘not interested’ would be too easy and I don’t do easy. Do I want her back in my life? Probably not… So for now, I’ll just let her have that glimpse of my life through that social website, I don’t really care.

Smooth rides are boring and I’ve run out of free ones, says the Capricorn in me… ;)

…

Detaching 2009

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Hello 2009, hello snow, hello Apple.com, hello future, goodbye 2008, goodbye clutter, goodbye past, goodbye London(?). I wish all my blog readers a wonderful 2009, it will be a good year. I’ve started with fresh energy and a hopeful heart. I welcome Apple.com who had another look at this page which is the third time by now: do you think dreams will come true? It would be great to work for them [again] and design everything Apple related. So who knows…

I have been fighting a flu for three weeks now, everyone around me has been effected one way or another. I’m still trying to get it out of my system before it hits me hard but no luck so far. This bug seems so bad it takes at least two to three weeks to recover *sigh*. I know something must be wrong if I fall asleep on the couch at 20.00 and I have been doing this for three weeks already. I feel totally drained during the day so I’ll keep an eye on my system.

This morning Mother Nature decided to surprise me like she did last year but she was earlier much much earlier and there’s more to expect this week especially tomorrow and on Wednesday. I couldn’t take pictures because an hour later the sun surprised me peeking through the clouds and taking away Mum’s crystal gift. It’s been bitterly cold for a while already and while it was that cold I decided to go to the storage and start the declutter of 2009.

Forced once again to throw out more personal possessions due to the restless mind of the person I have to live with, I hope this year will bring an end to this although I’m sure it happens for a reason that I can’t understand yet. Though it’s easy to look back and emphasise all that I gave up on: jobs, apartment, friends, I shouldn’t think like that. I should look ahead no matter how big the obstacles are that I’m facing: that which does not kill us makes us stronger.

So I started with the ‘small’ obstacles while I still have time: January is a quiet month jobs-wise. I dressed myself in 20 layers of clothing, locked myself up in the storage: an open space with metal containers, where the temperature is the same inside as outside [-3] with a constant draft over my head. I’ve been throwing out things I don’t need or use which will all be taken to the charity shop where I went before to bring bags with clothes I didn’t wear: recycle baby!

One fact I became extremely aware of while cleaning out the mess is that people spend so much money on stuff they collect over the years. I now have to get rid of a VHS collection, I won’t have the space to keep them. I spent quite some money on those and will donate them to the local library -which will make those happy who can’t afford DVDs- and thát to me is the only way to justify the money that would otherwise end up in the bin, it’s not a total waste…

Today is another day of throwing out stuff that I don’t use. It makes me think about why people feel the need to keep these endless records of data, because that’s what it is in a way. Objects that trigger neurons… it’s exactly how a computer works. The only difference is that I have a choice in what data to keep and what to delete. Although in this phase of my life I don’t seem to have much of a choice, it’s having to choose between the lesser of two evils.

Detaching and more detaching till my receptors are numb…

© R. Ritter 3 January 2009, all comes in clusters of at least two…