Tag Archives: Journey

Warped Mind

Posted on by

I’m thinking a lot lately… All sorts of thoughts enter my brain. At times I wish I could shut it off because some are about stuff that I do not wish to think about. I feel peaceful today tho. I guess something fell of my shoulders when the hospital called about the biopsies. I guess I’m glad I could postpone surgery.

I’ve been reorganising my Moleskine notebook and finally stuck all the design stuff that I wanted to keep in there. I also had a look at job options because I found a cool one online yesterday. I should apply really, the downside is that it’s a 40 hour job. I’ve promised myself to look for 32 hour jobs only.

And I should keep that promise to myself, but then doubts are popping up out of nowhere. I guess cleaning out my stuff is a way to organise these brain effects, make it less warped. I put things where they belong, I throw out stuff I don’t need and detach myself from useless people and things. It’s liberating!

And doubts are just a way to confuse myself about decision I’ve made ages ago. It’s fear in disguise, a trick to stay safe and sound and not take risks. Sometimes the mind is nothing but a complex network of firing neurons, as simple as that. I should try to see it that way instead of making things unnecessarily complicated.

So in order to keep it simple, I do simple stuff. And meanwhile I draw complex blueprints in my head with goals to reach. I try to visualise where I want to be within the next five years. I’ll try and change the things that seem too dificult right now. It’s not that I can’t do it, it’s just that I feel paralysed in a way.

But since I’ve got a creative mind, which works overtime mostly, I’m certain that I will find solutions. I always have and I always will. It’s the core ‘me’… And I trust ‘me’ to help me when I need it. Warped mind, bend yourself in different ways so I can see where the blueprint will take me. You can, I know you can!

The Inheritance

Posted on by

Last year -uncle A- one of the two uncles living in the same elderly home at their place of birth passed away. I never had a real close family connection with him so I’d decided not to go to the funeral. He was a sweet man and I would always visit him whenever I would visit my other uncle -uncle B- since they lived a floor away from eachother. But still, there was not the same connection with him as I had with my uncle B. During the funeral of uncle A, uncle B passed away as well. It was a weird coincidence.

But since I believe that things happen for a reason, I’d rather think that uncle B decided to leave this place by choice. He wasn’t feeling well at the time and he used to say quite often that he was tired of life, that he was ready to go. So he did, I guess… This uncle was the sweetest uncle I’ve ever had, always happy and laughing. Yes he could get grumpy as well, but the funny thing is, never with me. We could laugh about silly simple things, like birds hanging upside down from a branch to get to the string of peanuts.

So I travelled south to attend to his funeral. I can’t start to describe what the funeral was like but the whole thing made me kinda sad and not for obvious reasons. My aunt, who used to be the person to turn to since I was a kid, turned this funeral into a personal vendetta against my mum. It was such a sad sad thing to see, she made it all about herself and her relationship with uncle B and totally ignored her sister.

Ever since my move back to the Netherlands I noticed my relationship with my aunt had turned sour. I noticed how I could no longer deal with her negative attitude at times. She would ask questions but wouldn’t listen to the answers and slag off any of my reasons. There was never one positive word, either that or she would start off positive but changed it halfway the conversation. There was always something to nag about.

She knows my address and number yet she refuses to call me or send mail. I’ve sent cards, I’ve called her but whenever I did I wouldn’t be happy, I’d feel really uncomfortable. She started blaming and claiming me which had the same effect. So slowly I turned away from her as I did not feel like staying in touch with her. She doesn’t understand a thing about my current life, relationship and where I’m going because she doesn’t want to.

My uncle’s funeral was where I drew the line. She’d arranged everything, from inheritance to the flower decorations and way too much food at the reception after, which was extremely extravagant. It was a total waste and not something my uncle would’ve wanted. The service was about her and not about my uncle, it was one big vainglorious event to make my mum feel small. I guess I’m extremely disappointed in my aunt.

Ever since, she has not contacted me. No letters, no calls, no x-Mas cards (I did sent her one) and no birthday cards. Oddly enough, her son has sent a x-Mas card to my mum, the first in years (…) perhaps ever… So I do wonder what is going on, but I don’t let it get to me. I guess I’m making a clean sweep and although I’m disappointed how all of this is supposed to end, I feel relieved. It’s closure…

Four months after the funeral of uncle B, I received a letter about his will and that he had left me something. It felt wrong somehow and it took me another four months to claim it. I’ve decided to use it on something special to turn all ‘the negative’ surrounding his death into something positive. That’s what he would’ve wanted, to put a smile on my face.