Tag Archives: Goat

Stunned

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Something is going on lately and I can’t tell what it is… perhaps one of those tidal waves again? Or is it still the same journey? Or the fact that I can finally let go and move on after all this time? There are strange vibes in the air especially today. I’m not ignoring them but trying to figure out why they’re there bothering me… I feel sad but I don’t understand why because I have no reasons at all to feel like this, it’s ridiculous…

In fact I should be extremely and I mean extremely happy! I’ve passed the engineering and IQ tests last Wednesday while I really wasn’t expecting it. It was an hour and half of constant pressure. Pressure to deliver results within time limits of 20 to 60 seconds depending on the level of difficulty. Twenty-five questions for each of the four tests… do the math. No wonder I ended up with a freakin headache.

But there was no time to have a headache since I had to discuss the result right after with the future manager and someone from HR during a second interview. The HR person asked me how the tests went. All I could answer was that I’d never done anything like it and how tough it was. I really needed a moment to clear my head but then -to my utter surprise- he congratulated me for passing the tests.

You see, they would’ve stopped the procedure if I didn’t pass the test. Since I needed this job so badly I’d put pressure on myself, knowing that I had to deliver. The moment I had to take the tests I said to myself that I could only try my best. And failure was not going to stop me from reaching my goal. If I wouldn’t pass then it wasn’t meant to be, it’s as simple as that. I would’ve continued to look for other options.

But I don’t have to because I have this job for 99.9%… All I need to do is have a third interview with a web designer this week. Then after they will give me an offer that we’ll need to discuss and then it’s probably only a matter of waiting and signing all the papers so I can start as soon as possible. I’ve just launched myself into a career change and many future options of education and possibilities…

So then why is it that I feel sad today? Is it because I no longer have certain worries? Am I sad because I now realise what I’ve had to deal with all this time and I can let go of the tough girl? I no longer have reasons to feel ashamed, weak, trapped, stupid for making yet another mistake, for trusting the wrong kind of man again and ending up in a situation that I could’ve prevented by ‘simply’ trusting my gut feeling…

I honestly can’t tell, perhaps I’m saying goodbye to the old me… because lots and lots of changes are going on: not just job-wise but also on a personal level. It’s me that’s changing while others around me are now the ones that are stuck. I’ve called the ex the other day, he sounded depressed in a way and I realised nothing nor he had changed, he was still feeling miserable while I was moving on on all levels.

So maybe that’s what I’m feeling… the fact that some are not and are showing jealousy or indifference instead. Yes it hurts at times, therefore I have to leave old things behind: people, situations, places and memories. Leave them behind to make room for new ones, better ones, different ones. The caterpillar has shed from its skins, made a chrysalis and will now continue to grow into a beautiful butterfly…

© NASA/ESA – Nebula Butterfly

The Beauty of ‘Pear-shaped’

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As I said in my previous post, I had an interview last Friday and the reason why I didn’t write an update yet is because I had to let it all sink in. The interview was supposed to take an hour but it took two instead. If I look back at all the interviews that I’ve had so far this was the most relaxed one in years and definitely the best one. I had the opportunity to ask all sorts of questions and because of my enthusiasm and the other person’s passion for his work we easily could’ve talked for another hour.

I think this is the biggest company I’ve applied with ever since I started my ‘career’. People often think about where their careers take them. I never had to, because I turned my hobby into a job and I was very much enjoying each and every opportunity that I got. Halfway I did change into a different direction though but I was still linked to the job that I love so much. But over the last three years I was forced to have a good look at my life and where I was heading since things went pear-shaped.

I ended up in a situation that I had been trying to avoid all my life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. Au contraire: what I’ve learned over the last couple of years is priceless. Yes things have been scary and yes I’ve seen the bottom but I’m climbing because that’s what Goats are meant to do. So I can only be grateful that I can have my own dreams again. Dreams that others might take for granted, like having my own place to live, being able to unpack the boxes and redecorate my ‘home’…

This might have been the toughest period in my life but I’ve gained so much having to deal with this emotional whirlpool. It forced me to have a good look at myself and where I was heading. I’m not there yet but I am taking tiny steps to find my balance again. Part of that has been looking for the confident ‘me’ that I’d lost along the way. I’ve found her and I’m enjoying her presence whenever she is there smiling at me, telling me it’s going to be alright. She was there last Friday at the interview.

She smiled and she felt like nothing could stop her from reaching that goal. And it was good, it was perfect the way it was… The other person told me that he wanted me on his team and become part of a company of 3500 people. So I went home, high on sheer happiness. I was on the train for an hour and half smiling… I didn’t care that I had to change twice because of delays. I didn’t notice that everything around me was chaos… I was just sitting there smiling and enjoying that very moment.

I was also aware of the fact that I wasn’t there yet. You see… I need to pass a test first. An IQ test which is not just the regular kind of test but a more complicated one. This morning I received a phone call from the company’s HR department to schedule this test. There’s only three people that I’ve told about it because I don’t want to be pressured by others telling me ‘I can do it’. I would like to be realistic and positive at the same time, there’s a 50% chance of success so I will try the best I can.

After all, that is all I can do, try the best I can and live ‘now’… not in the past, not in the future but in the present. That’s what I did that Friday, make the most of that moment and it worked out just fine. So I’ll be doing the same next week when I’ll have to take the test and it’s no point speculating about the actual result. It’s a win-win situation because no one could ever take away that moment of perfection during the interview and after. There is a bigger plan for me and I have no clue what it is just yet.

I just have to accept it and embrace it… {to be continued}

‘You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment.’ ~Henry David Thoreau

© (?) – Can you find the elephant?