Tag Archives: Ex

The Week After

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This is written during a brief hiatus from blogging, when I had no internet connection for three weeks

Some things you simply can’t prepare for no matter how hard you try. It’s been almost a week now and I can’t shake this feeling of sadness. I don’t understand why but then again I do; there’s been a lot going on ever since last Saturday. All extremely emotional situations, separations, final goodbyes, tears, words spoken, truth revealed.

I should be happy but I’m not, it feels like I’m grieving but because I have no privacy I can’t really. No quiet moment because of the never-ending talking of the person I’m temporarily living with; it’s driving me insane. I have to stay patient, hold in and swallow words while all I really want is deal with things so I can let go of all these unexpected emotions…

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There was no awkward silence during the two hours drive and the topics that were discussed during the crossing were the serious kind with a bit of humour and laughter. We both came clean about past mistakes, what went wrong, where and how. I thought he had peace with his decision that night and for the first time I was convinced it was genuine and mutual.

I wasn’t prepared for the words that were spoken the next evening when I walked him to the lorry to say goodbye. I wasn’t expecting to feel that intense sadness when I saw him cry, telling me he missed me already. I wasn’t prepared to see someone hurt the way he was. It confirmed what I’d suspected all along, that he’d been wearing a fool’s mask all this time.

I wasn’t ready to hear these words after such a long time, I wasn’t ready to have so many emotions. No matter what happened between us in the past, it’s been forgiven quite a while ago. I’m getting sick and tired of hearing all the ‘good advice’ from those around me, telling me that it’s no longer my problem and that I shouldn’t care. Because I do care… as a friend.

And perhaps I’m just sad because this is the story of my life and -once again- I’m told all those words that I’ve heard before, the moment one starts to realise that what’s been taken for granted all those years is no longer available and gone for good. I know what I have to offer, it’s just sad to see most never realised until it was too late to mend.

I think I’m gonna need and take some time and having no internet is actually quite convenient. Now all I hope for is that someone could take the hints and keep quiet instead of the relentless nonstop yakking and the constant demand for my attention. I’m in need of silence and solitude but I’ve never felt more lonely and isolated inside than over the past few days.

Realisation

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I was surprised to see how the ex was upset when I told him about the arrangements I’d made. I’m dividing stuff between us, I don’t really have to but I’m giving away things I don’t need and so I have to ask questions and see if he’s okay with the way I arranged it or if he wants me to change it. Just the fact that I had to ask these questions caused sadness and hurt on his face and when I asked him what was wrong he turned away and said: ‘nothing…’

I guess it only just now starts to dawn on him, the realisation that something is becoming so final while it had been final to him for a couple of years already or at least he thought it was. I’ve been through all of that the moment he told me about his decision at the time. I’m only doing what is necessary to get those parts of my life back that I’ve lost along the line, that I’ve given up on when I was told it wasn’t important enough to keep.

So my approach is a different kind, I try to keep things in balance without getting too emotional. It’s almost like the roles are swapped… perhaps he did learn something over the years or is no longer afraid to show true feelings. I don’t know… I know I was surprised to see emotions that I’ve not seen before. Some things are not easy for me either but I’m looking ahead and see what is waiting for me at the horizon: a clean slate, a new beginning.