I’ve disappeared from the surface and didn’t respond to any emails due to a deadline that I had before 20.00 today. I’ve been in my insane work-all-thru-the-night-mode again since yesterday and didn’t get much sleep at all, about three hours this morning when I went to bed at about 06.00. I’ve been working non-stop for days, my brain is fried at the moment so I can’t think much but I will try to explain why I have been up all night and invisible last week.

While the economy is getting worse things are getting more uncertain for a lot of people, including myself. I’m still living in a place due to circumstances with the ex where I don’t want to be, although we’re friends: I want to move on… And fact is that I’m getting more and more work in, but it’s not enough to be able to move out and pay all possible expenses. London is number two on the World list of most expensive cities to live after Moscow and I feel it, trust me!

Last week, I accidentally found a most appealing opportunity to change the situation for the best. Yes I need stability in my life, especially with all the chaos going on around me I need a center point of calmness and certainty. That said, I knew I had to leave an impression so the creativity started to flow all week last week. But it felt wrong somehow and although I asked some if they liked my ideas and my creation [which they did] it still didn’t feel right to me…

So last night I realised at the last moment that I shouldn’t do what I’d planned to do. Indecisiveness is what it boils down to, I just couldn’t make up my mind and the pressure was there big time. I couldn’t afford to take unnecessary risks, I mean it looks really nice but it didn’t feel right for the occasion. By the time I actually trusted my gut feeling it was already midnight and I needed a change in strategy so in the end simplicity won over complex beautiful design.

I’d planned to send it off yesterday but that was before I changed my mind. I had less than six hours to adjust a letter, CV, add extra pages to my portfolios and export it all to an acceptable pdf format which was the tough bit. I need a good book about making pdfs: no it’s not at all simple to produce a high-in-quality but low-in-bit-size pdf, there are just way too many options and way too many unsatisfying results. Or am I too much of a perfectionist?

At the moment I don’t really care, I had my panic attack right after I sent my email with attachment. The ‘what ifs’ started to bug me big time and I can’t remember how long ago it was where I felt this insecure about things but I guarantee it was at least 15 years ago. Insecure… only because I really really want this position. It means a way out for me, a way to fly and spread my wings. A way to start afresh again and face exciting new challenges.

To my surprise I got an email in, an hour after I had sent mine. It said that they had received several hundred of applications and that they would get back to me at the beginning of next week. They’d done an initial check of applications as they came in which mine had passed and they’d be actively considering mine. I’m happy I listened to my gut feeling, tonight I can finally relax after a hectic week! Below a few details of my design that I didn’t use in the end.

I’m sure I will one day on a different project, these are drawings that I did using Illustrator but they weren’t meant to be, not today…

Details of my illustrations