I woke up in tears this morning because of a nightmare I had. It’s a sign to me that things are not okay, not that I don’t realise that already but it’s telling me how I deal with stress because I had the same reaction in the past. Last night I was given advice on how to move on with my life from the same person who tells me that he wants to split up. I can’t listen to this because he is the last person at the moment I would take advice from although I know he really means well. I feel like being pushed, I know I’ll get there on my own.
Basically I ended up having to defend myself about the same issues when we lived in the Lowlands and why I don’t feel like going back; jobs, social security, age discrimination [I have RSI, so I was stuck in the wonderful system of Dutch bureaucracy telling me I wasn’t allowed to do what I’ve studied for or skilled in or else they would take my insurance benefit which they took in the end anyway *sarcastic*]. In the Lowlands you’ll have to mention your DOB in your resume opposed to the UK and they’d rather hire someone young and inexperienced age 25/30 [read cheap wages] than someone with experience and age 30+/40+/50+ [read expensive wages].
In the Lowlands you need education for each and every job and the right papers if you want to make a career change you’ll have to study again, here in the UK people just switch careers like they switch lights on and off, basically even a moron can become prime minister but I reckon that’s the same in the Lowlands… I’ve made up my mind and will stay here and choose the hard way. Trying to explain this over and over again last night didn’t make things easier. I can discuss anything except this and I really don’t need to hear how to organise my life. It caused friction yesterday and he apologised. He is only trying… I know he is.
This morning after I woke up crying, I went over to my desk to start working and found this, and then I cried some more because it made me happy for a moment.
My life seems to be one big contradiction these days…
[ps I don’t have the results from the hospital back yet, probably next week]
Tag Archives: Confused
The End Or A New Beginning?
Well, I’m getting ready to go to hospital this Thursday and have the biopsy and surgery done. Filling out all the forms and making a list of what to bring. I’ll have to do this once again on my own, because it seems that I’m a single woman again since Monday.
It wasn’t my choice and it still isn’t but I reckon if there seems to be no other option according to the ‘ex’ other half than what is left to fight for? I would only end up getting more hurt than I already am. So I face the facts and try to start a life on my own out here or anywhere, I don’t know yet. The dream of doing this together has been shattered, so I reckon I have my own journey from now on.
I won’t make a list of what I gave up on along the line because realising that will only make things harder, let’s just say it’s a lot, basically my entire life. I just hope there will be some kind of replacement that will bring me the type of security that I need, the same security that I [thought I] had and that made me help decide to give up my life in the Lowlands and start it in London. So I really miss my friends and family at the moment.
I’m gonna deal with pain in the next few days mentally and physically, let’s hope I’ll be able to post something more positive soon. I’m trying to keep my chin up but I might not succeed at times, that’s because I’m not flawless, I never pretended to be…
