Tag Archives: Boundaries

Assertiveness

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I’ve just sent an email that has been sitting for months in my outbox waiting to be send. It actually felt good to finally press that send button after such a long time. A couple of months might not seem long but the issue mentioned in that email has been going on for four years already, ever since I left to live in London.

At the time me and the ex sold our fine VW to a friend of mine for 2200 euro: a bargain. We had to arrange certain things at the very last moment which caused a few problems with certain papers but it was solved when we’d arrived in the UK. Up to date -almost four years later- I still haven’t received a darn pence…

Since those involved were trying to sell their business the ex had agreed with them to postpone the payback until the business was sold so they could return the money in one go instead of tiny installments. The business was sold October last year so guess what… I’m still waiting for any financial results coming my way.

After hearing one excuse after another over the last six months I’m now officially fed up with the situation. I stood up for them; put my trust in them being the middlewoman whenever the ex lost his patience in the past, trying to make him see that he could trust them to pay. Seems that he might be right after all…

I’ve learnt to be more assertive during this course that I’m taking and whenever I mention the above situation to someone they keep asking me why I didn’t set my boundaries yet because someone who treats you like that ain’t a friend. I realised I have been making up excuses for this friend as well, trying to talk things right.

Perhaps I was trying to solve things in a polite manner, hoping to restrain the damage but when I think about all this I cannot deny that the damage is already done and certainly not by me. I’ve lost patience and I’m tired of hearing one excuse/promise after another while nothing concrete has been done so far as in payments.

I’m so through with this… I decided this morning to no longer postpone that email nor give her the benefit of the doubt so instead I sent it and made sure that she knows how I feel about the situation: disappointed in her and a 15 years friendship, betrayed, angry, out of patience, tired of making up excuses for her behaviour.

It actually felt quite good once that email was sent… I have some more to deal with soon. One person I’m giving another week’s time to respond since there has been a two weeks vacation. If I don’t hear anything by then, then it’s time to send out another email stating how I feel about things… Hurray for assertiveness!

© (?) – …

Friends… Take Thought

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Friends, are supposed to stick around through thick and thin… Friends, are supposed to be there for you when you hang your head because things are tough… Friends, are supposed to support you when you feel lost and you’re struggling to find the path again… Friends, are supposed to show they believe in you whenever you’ve forgotten how to believe in yourself… Friends, are those who keep their promises no matter what…

Friends are not those who don’t stay in touch with you because you no longer are the warm-hearted one who lives abroad. So the novelty has worn off along with the imaginary neon hotel sign that offered a free stay including food and drinks. They’re definitely not those who owe you a large sum of money ever since you moved abroad and who are now refusing any cooperation to pay back the debt knowing you’ve been waiting for four years whilst putting your trust in them to meet the obligations.

Friends are also not those who don’t have the word ‘courtesy’ in their vocabulary, who keep making promises but never keep their word or lack the decency to even say ‘thank you’ whenever you made the effort to do something extra. Nor are friends the ones who can’t be bothered to ask how you’re doing. Or who refuse to send/reply -on a regular basis- to your emails or those who don’t show that they actually care about you and what is going on in your life by simply being interested.

I quoted in a comment not too long ago, it was part of something I read online: When people who profess to be our friends don’t behave in these ways, we feel angry and betrayed. Perhaps they were never our friends at all. Perhaps they were only out to use us. But our faulty expectations may have caused us to perceive them as being more committed to true friendship than they really were. I’m sure that is true but it can’t be that I’ve been deceived by certain friends for over 10 years right? What did I miss?

A professional said to me: why would you call a person a friend if he or she refuses to pay the money they owe you? Why are you still being nice and trying to only look at things from their perspective and not your own? And that was just one example that I’d told him about but I knew he was right. He hit the nail on the head… I’m changing: a shift in attitude and taking action, I’m tired of so-called friends. There’s one loose end still and I’m gonna get a solicitor over time to fix that, I’ve already been to one.

Don’t get me wrong… There are still a few left who do care, it’s something that doesn’t need reassurance and I treasure these few and they know this because I have told them. They have been there through thick and thin in every possible shape: a beautiful handwritten letter, a personal gift with just the right words, a phone call and/or some emails. Some from abroad some from the Lowlands. Some from people I haven’t met in real life *just yet*.

But they’re in my heart and perhaps I should tell them again how much I appreciate them!

© (?) – Thank you for being a true friend!