I was at my dear friend and ex-colleague C.’s party last night which was a blast, I had a great time meeting lots of (new) people and talking to other ex-colleagues I hadn’t seen in a while. Some of them I hadn’t seen in three years: ever since I left for London. It was so good to talk to them again after such a long time, it made me realise how much I’ve missed having colleagues, especially these colleagues who were thrilled to see me!

It also made me realise something else, last night it seemed so much easier to connect with other people being there on my own in a room full of -mostly- strangers. I felt like a butterfly floating through the room from one conversation to another with different people without really having to make an effort. I remember the days where that was totally different and I wonder if it was because I was still in a ‘relationship‘ -at the time-…

Last night I realised I was starting to find myself again after being stuck in a situation that had made me become extremely self-conscious and insecure. That had left a deep crater at the surface and a roaring all-consuming fire underneath to break free from the chains and be ‘me’ again. Yesterday I was ‘me’, there was no pretending, no wallflower syndrome, just a total transparent honest ‘me’, the person I was before I got lost.

So besides having a great time and feel happy I can’t really explain what it was like to feel a certain kind of freedom again, to be in a situation where others acknowledge your presence and accept you as ‘a whole’. ‘A whole’ because that’s what I am, what I always should’ve been, what I was and what I’ve found again… And it feels great to see what kind of effect it has, not just on me but on others as well: it’s a much richer experience.

The caterpillar just became a butterfly again, now let me fly… fly… fly…

©Dana Helmig