The Dream

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“…The mate for the wildish woman is the one who has a soulful tenacity and endurance, one who can send his own instinctual nature to peek under the tent of a woman’s sould-life and comprehend what he sees and hears there. The good match is the man who keeps returning to try to understand, who does not let himself be deterred by the sideshows on the road…”

~ “Women Who Run With the Wolves” by Clarissa Pinkola Estes

I dreamt about ‘my Manawee’ last night… and I wonder… I don’t wonder why because I know the reason why, I simply wonder if it’s possible to love a person for a long period of time without actually realising it until you’re reminded of this person. I don’t wonder because I’ve been aware he has often been on my mind on and off ever since. Pain has the tendency to diminish over time even when you were hurting. At times that’s a good thing, occasionally it could become something unrealistic if you lose sight and fail to take into account why you were hurt to begin with.

I had to let go which was the toughest thing I ever had to do. I had to let go because I couldn’t carry the weight of two lives gone wrong. I had to fix mine first. Last night I was looking for something on my NAS and was wondering where I kept movies and tunes he’d sent me over time. I’m pretty sure I have them still as I’d never throw out any of the things he’d sent me. I just realized they weren’t on the NAS as I bought it about two years ago.

But there were some other things I had a look at: pictures. The first one that I opened was him. My heart skipped a beat as I hadn’t seen that face in a long long time. I was overwhelmed with feelings. It came as a surprise, but then again it didn’t. It was just a confirmation of something that I’ve known all along. And realizing this brings back lots and lots of emotions, longings and feelings. So… there it is! The kind of stuff that dreams are made off.

But I haven’t got a clue what I’m supposed to do about/with it… Although the dream(s) were real and the way I felt when I woke up was pretty real too…

Primary Reunion

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The other day I checked in on my FB profile -the one that I don’t visit that often- and to my surprise I’d received two messages from people I haven’t seen or been in contact with for a long long long time: I’m talking primary school… I opened message one, because I was curious to read it, both messages were from different girls (or should I say women ;) ) that I used to be friends with at some point early in my life. The other message, message two, I left unopened for a while. This one was from a girl I used to be friends with from the age of seven or eight(?) until 13. To be honest I didn’t feel like opening that message as I was expecting the usual blah blah anyway. The other one was somehow more interesting to me.

She wrote me about a primary school reunion that she is organising, they’ve found everyone except me and if I was the person in the picture, that she was looking for. Of course I could’ve left it at that but I didn’t, I replied to her message. The moment I received her second message I felt some kind of regret about sending that first reply. She was asking the usual: how are you doing, what have you been up to, are you married, do you have children? etc. Of course I was expecting these kind of questions and I didn’t mind answering some of them but then I realised the moment I would make her my FB friend, more requests would come in and I’d have to answer the same unimportant nonsense again and again.

I had a look at her profile page and noticed each and every classmate from back then, in her friends list. Also the one boy I had a major crush on, I remember I went to the beach with his parents, him and his younger brother. When we arrived back at their appartment in the evening, his mum asked me to take a shower before dinner, to rinse all the sand and dirt off. It was a bit of an odd situation for me. His parents were extremely nice people, especially his mum. She braided my hair when I got out of the shower. I guess I must have been the daughter she never had ;) But just the fact that I had butterflies in my stomach whilst being around this boy all day long was something special that I remember to this day.

But I also noticed the girl -one of a pair actually- who came from a questionable family (it was rumoured at the time that her mum was a public woman). They were common people, she was friends with another girl and both lived in the same estate, were quite heavy, already used too much makeup at that age and weren’t popular. These were the type of girls you weren’t supposed to hang out with. I remember they were also quite the bullies at school, potty-mouthed and often looking for a fight. And I remember one time where they were picking on me -just out of sight- around the corner of the playground. I punched her right in the face, which she didn’t expect of course… Bullying problem solved for ever!

There are more stories of course, but does it really matter? I’ve replied to the first message and said to her that I’m not keen on reunions. The truth is that I wonder what the hell I’m supposed to tell these people who are desperately holding on to a few memories of the past. Most I can’t even remember because I was so young and so green at the time, a child. What’s the point of meeting up again after so many years knowing that I’ll probably have nothing in common with any of them. Is it their curiosity speaking? Do they expect me to add them all to FB just like that because of something we’ve shared ages ago *don’t thinks so!*? I’ve moved on, I’m not that child anymore, I’m an adult with an adult life now.

I really don’t see the point in meeting up to tell them how successful I’ve been over the past decades, how much I earn a year, how many kids I have, how many times I’ve been married and tell them by the end of the night ‘sure… we’ll keep in touch’… Something that will obviously never happen otherwise it would’ve happened already. There will be nothing to relate to. Absolutely nothing. It’s been too long. I was a child at the time still figuring out how to memorise twenty words for the test on Wednesday whilst my mind wandered off, counting down the minutes to the lunch break at noon. My bubble was small but large enough to hold everything dear to me and I still like to keep it that way, plain and simple.

The second message was from one of my closest friends at the time. She wrote about how long it has been (I know; things happen for a reason…) and how she would like to stay in touch again. She approached me because of the same reason, that reunion. Funny thing is that I will attend a reunion in June this year, only because some friends asked me to please come and yes they are still my FB friends nowadays. It’s organised by the school I attended where I studied graphic design. Yes I had doubts but this reunion seems more realistic somehow. The doubts are about the whole reunion thing in general, because I don’t feel the need to add all the extra noise to my life while I’m already juggling on a daily basis.

I guess it is a ‘to be continued…’ ;)