Eye-openers

Posted on by

I’ve been sorting out this blog and ran into posts that are eye-openers. I’ve read them again and to be honest I’m kinda shocked to see that back then while I was trying to find my way in life I was having the same struggle as I have nowadays. I’m wondering what is still keeping me from doing what I’m supposed to do. Why it is that I still seem to make the same mistake(s) over and over again. Why didn’t I learn from the past?

Or perhaps I did learn and situations were just replaced by others, new ones that keep me from what I’m supposed to do. The previous sentence itself is actually telling me that my thoughts and perceptions are not quite accurate and I should rephrase this because the moment I wrote that, I was thinking to myself ‘No that is not the case, that is not the issue’. If I take full responsibility for my actions, the phrase should be different.

So the question rises: do I take full responsibility for my actions? I guess not otherwise it would not bother me what I just wrote down. Of course I did learn from the past. Of course I have changed things by being focused on the change but the things/situations I did change were just the circumstances and not what is lying deep within. These days I might say that I’m quite successful at doing my job but it doesn’t change my inner thoughts.

I’ve built the circumstances and I’m successful in doing so and thriving at what I do best, even learning and developing new skills and knowledge along the way. My career is blooming and I never thought I could end up where I am today all thru focus. At times I surprise myself when I look back (better: read back) and see where I was some time ago and where I am now. But still… the core is missing either that or the core is still the same…

What it boils down to is the fact that I don’t take time to do the things that my heart tells me to do. In fact, I do all those things that I am supposed to do, that I make myself do because it’s how I learnt to survive. It’s what others expect me to do instead of following my heart. It starts with the daily chores and negative thoughts I often have about myself, others, situations, life. I really should stop this since it’s not getting me anywhere.

I should stop judging myself and others but most of all stop judging myself. I’m basically back to square one in a way… and it’s shocking to realise this. But I guess that at the same time this realisation could be turned into positive action. I know I can make this work if I start focusing again on what needs to be done to start loving myself. I have taken action in 2009 by taking a course to teach myself what to do about it.

So yes, it is kinda shocking to see and realise that I’ve forgotten once again how to do this, how to turn negative into positive and be proud of who I am. Be proud of the core me again. A job does not define me, my action towards myself and others does. Writing down this thought does and therefore admitting to myself that I would like to make the necessary changes in order to get there. I wrote this in about ten minutes…

But I guess it might take a lifetime to make these changes. And while I’m thinking this and writing it down, I should not be too hard on myself by seeing it as a failure… I wish to see it as a new start. After all each day is a new beginning and if I truly love myself first, I should see this post as a new beginning. I’m going to try my best so that next year I will see progress when I read posts from the past again!

The difference is that this time I’m aware and this time my focus will be on what needs to be done in order to make that change. I know I can do it, I make that promise to myself today and will make sure to keep it :D

Let Go…

Posted on by

I wish we could’ve remained friends but that’s impossible coz I can tell there is still hurt, it is shown to me in different ways. I guess I’ve been misunderstood when I decided to move on and let go. Some things happened that I will not be able to forget. If you need someone, you expect someone to be there for you. I’ve learnt over the years, to turn into survival mode when your expectations are not met.

I’d give up hope and I’ll stop putting myself in a position where I depend on someone to be empathetic, understanding and/or supportive. I will show the world that I can take care of things myself and not stray from the path I’ve chosen to take. But once there, there is no easy turning back. I will not be able to trust again that easily. I’ve learnt over the years to fight my own battles with or without help.

In this case (and many others)… without…

I wasn’t willing to listen, just tired of fights and having to answer to everyone around me whilst they only felt the need to judge. I was tired of them telling me what to say, what to wear, what to eat, how to behave, what to feel. Tired being told what was best for me and all the so-called ‘good’ advice. So I took a course and learnt how to set my boundaries and how not to be used as a doormat.

I learnt how to be good to myself and nurture the needs that I have. It is still the hardest thing for me to do but I’m slowly getting there. But once there’s personal growth there’s also a possibility that you’ll outgrow others. I had to say goodbye to some because it became clear to me why they were still in my life and it wasn’t for the right reasons. I had to let go of them, I owed it to myself.

I failed tho, to make this one person understand my reasons why I had to do what needed to be done. If someone is not willing to let go and tries to hold on to something that is no longer there, there is no other option left than to cut the ties. It’s not what I wanted but how I was forced to in a way. This person is still not dealing with the facts, I can see pain, anger, frustration or worse: sarcasm.

It hurts if you know that you can’t do anything about it because they’re not willing to accept the truth or listen to what you have to say. So if you know you’re the cause of this, it might be a good decision to create distance and not get involved at all. It doesn’t make things easier tho. It’s something that needed to be done, I’m not proud of it but I hope that one day, my decision will be understood…