Cheshire Cat

Earlier I called the dentist because I have an appointment this month but I couldn’t remember the right date and time. When I did, I realised something I’d forgotten about since the last time I went to the dentist about half a year ago. Before I’d left to live in London for three years I had a very good dentist. Whilst living in London I had found another good dentist but when I’d moved back to the Netherlands my former dentist in Amsterdam was no longer there, the practice had closed and I had no records or anything nor was there any information about what had happened to the practice and dentists in the meantime. So I had to look for another one which is difficult in Amsterdam, as there are many bad dentists.

I’ve always been lucky with regard to my teeth, they’re strong, clean and I haven’t had cavities in ages. The dentist I had whilst growing up was an extremely bad one. He once filled two ‘cavities’ that weren’t real cavities in order to claim insurance money. I just knew he was lying because I’d never had any and he always told me everything was fine. Plus these fillings were on either side of my jaw on the exact same spots, well hidden when I’d smile. Because I didn’t have any problems until my 18th, my insurance would cover extra treatments (like xrays and fluoride therapy) that he was supposed to give which he never did. I suspect he just kept claiming insurance money since he’d renovated his practice.

The dentist in the UK was a very good one, he took xrays for the first time in ten years. I had to pay for treatments but I was fine with that, I would never cut down on expenses dentist-wise, what needs to be done needs to be done. These treatments were not that expensive anyway so all was good until I moved back to the Netherlands. Back then I postponed looking for one. I’d asked around to see if some of my friends could recommend their dentist but none of them were really suitable, either due to location or expenses until one of my friends recommended hers to me which was nearby and extremely good. She had a lot of dental issues in the past so when she tells me hers is good than I believe her instantly!

I called the practice and was very happy to hear I could make an appointment after office hours, which is normally not the case. Unfortunately -because I had been putting things off- I did have one cavity which had grown for about five years, in a very unpleasant spot: just below my gum all the way in the back and difficult to reach. I had to come back another day to have it filled. A few weeks later it was done, it felt weird for a while because it took forever for the anesthetic to start working. Also the dentist probably had drilled too close to the root so I couldn’t bite on the left side without experiencing severe pain and had to chew really slow in order to avoid putting pressure between upper and lower molar.

This pain didn’t go away after a month and half so I called the dentist again, he told me the pain would either disappear -which could take weeks, months or even years- or stay forever… If that was the case, the root had been damaged and needed to be taken out; my worst nightmare. Here I am, happy about finally finding the right dentist and then having a serious issue all of a sudden which I’d never had before. I agreed with the dentist that I would wait half a year, until the next checkup, so see what would happen. So this morning when I called about the appointment I suddenly realised that the pain is almost nearly gone after over six months. The moment I realised, I was grinning and smiling like the Cheshire Cat!

Let’s hope it stays this way :D

The Investigator

At times I find myself lost on the digital high way going from one place to another seamlessly for hours in a row. I’ve written in my planner that I should stop doing this because what it comes down to is that I get caught up in lots of different searches thus basically ending up wasting my time. Back in the days when I did an attempt to study (seems ages ago) the professor warned the group about this. You were only allowed to search for half an hour at the most which isn’t that much even for a ‘pro’ like myself ;) Those 30 minutes are gone in a blink.

Most of the time I’m not even searching, I’d like to call it ‘investigating’ because I’ll become curious about stuff from the past and I’ll end up looking for certain people who were once part of my life. It’s a trap and I really should stop doing this because it is pointless. What’s the use of trying to find out what happened to these people? I mean they are no longer part of my life for a very good reason so why the curiosity? I have no clue what it is that drives me to do this as it isn’t even rewarding and right after I feel guilty for wasting my precious time doing this.

The other day I ended up doing this on Farcebook when I noticed a person on another person’s list of friends and from there it went downhill. I used to work in the advertising business for quite a while, most of the people I know from that period are connections on LinkedIn but not on FB. I wouldn’t want them to be connected on FB, only those who are still friends from that period are part of my FB. But it seems to be common in this country to have everyone listed on FB inlcuding your (ex) colleagues and they all pretend to be so close-knit as well.

Am I an exception? It seems that way… Anyway, I ended up looking at a profile of this attention seeker from the advertising period. She was the kind who would go only after married men or men that were spoken for. So years later whilst looking at her profile I could only come to the same conclusion: nothing had changed. She was still the same pathetic person, a very lonely attention seeking person. Sad… No one seem to be responding to her posts from the hundreds of people only three or four left a reaction each time she posted something ‘interesting’.

In this particular case I didn’t feel guilty, I felt like my gut had been right all along. I hold no grudge against her for trying it on with my partner back then, he was on to her from the start and ignored her sad advances towards him. She went from an extremely well earning production manager to a teacher at the graphic art school. The exact same school which I attended when I moved to Amsterdam to study, ages ago. So reading this made me grin actually and far from feeling guilty. That was one case, although there were a few more that made me laugh.

But overall it still feels like I’m wasting my time on investigating don’t-need-to-know-facts… And it makes me wonder why I fall in the same monkey trap over and over again. Is it a way to procrastinate from what I really should be doing? Is it curiosity? Do I need confirmation? I have yet to find the answer but I’m sure it has to do with ‘letting go’. Perhaps I’m letting go of past hurt by visiting the ones who caused it, realising they are no longer on that pedestal where I’d left them in my mind back then. They aren’t as fantastic as they want(ed) everyone to believe.

Secretly and secretively I’m smirking and I feel good about decisions I’ve made in the past and how it all turned out, how some really seem to have gotten what they’ve deserved by their actions. I’m glad I’m not part of the huge FB family they like to pretend to have. They were colleagues, I don’t feel the need to share my inner thoughts with any of them except the ones that have become close friends. They were pretending back then, keeping up appearances, so what would be different these days? Nothing, nothing has changed as far as I can see.

Perhaps I’m just getting older and I start to see things for what they really are/were. I have a lifetime of experience, a sixth sense and an extremely good gut telling me often what I should make of things. I guess I need to investigate every now and then to chuckle intensely for a few, let go of these ghosts and move on again. I don’t feel any competition anymore nor the need to prove myself to anyone like I felt I had to back then. It is what it is and it’s good. So perhaps investigating is merely about getting a confirmation of what I’ve known all along.