The Flow

I’ve been in thinking mode again lately. It’s because I realised there’s so much change going on at the moment. I’ve written before that I’m keeping a planner, it’s a cool planner as it allows you to set goals for a year and keep track of your progress over time. I’ve set goals for three months, one year, the next three years, and a lifetime. It’s how the planner works. Each month you’ll have to evaluate and write a report about the past 30/31 days, check if you reached your goals, highlight your accomplishments, write down how you can approve things etc.etc. I’m doing this because I need to keep track on how I’ve spent my spare time to see if it is balanced and if I get to spend enough time on things that relax me.

Ten days ago I wrote my evaluation about April and whilst checking back on dates I found out that I actually had accomplish quite a lot more than I was expecting. It surprised me to see that some of the deadlines I’d set for goals somewhere in the near future (three months from now or even further away) I’d already either started or finished. It has to do with certain situations that I’m fed up with in a way. I’ve been fed up with myself for a while already ;) Let me explain that. Because of 12 hour days (or often more), I started to neglect myself. I’d come home and would choose the easy and quick option because I wasn’t organised, meaning for instance, that I would get a take-away during the week and cook over the weekends.

At times I’m home at 20.30 or later thus I don’t feel like cooking anymore because I’m tired and would like to relax for an hour. My days start at 05.30. So I had a hard time trying to keep things balanced as they were supposed to be. I never expected this to get out of hand due to unhealthy eating and not enough exercise, as I was always pretty keen on keeping an eye on this. Slowly but surely things went sideways and I sensed it straight away but I didn’t act on it immediately. Then there was the vertebral fracture and the arthrosis which kept me from doing anything health-wise because I am too scared to aggravate the situation. I felt stuck and I wasn’t happy with myself at all until the day I decided enough is enough.

I took baby steps but I took them… and I’m surprised to see how good it feels. I went to the gym around the corner and asked if they had a physiotherapist specialised in vertebral fractures and they did! I’ve made a 180 once again ;) I’m eating extremely healthy, plan things in advance, prepare lunch for work instead of buying premade food, bake my own bread (special bread as I cut out carbs completely) and exercise like crazy. I love the exercises and workout because I can feel it makes my back stronger and I have less pain each day. I’m still not allowed to do some of the exercise that I really love, like rowing or running as it puts too much strain on my back, but there will be a day in the near future where I can!

I’ve also bought a fitness tracker to see how I’m doing on a daily basis, to my surprise I get enough exercise during the day, I’m way above the goals it sets for me, e.g. at times I walk 12km per day because I love to walk. So far I really enjoy doing all this, which -to be honest- I didn’t expect. The only downside is that I’m supposed to workout twice a week and for the last six weeks the commute has been a total pain with a minimum of half hour delays each day. Hopefully I’ll be able to work from home on Wednesday so I can go to the gym in the evening. My next step is buying an apartment, yes I know it’s something completely different, but it’s all part of a bigger plan. I’m working on this, let’s say I’m prepping for my future.

The Dream

“…The mate for the wildish woman is the one who has a soulful tenacity and endurance, one who can send his own instinctual nature to peek under the tent of a woman’s sould-life and comprehend what he sees and hears there. The good match is the man who keeps returning to try to understand, who does not let himself be deterred by the sideshows on the road…”

~ “Women Who Run With the Wolves” by Clarissa Pinkola Estes

I dreamt about ‘my Manawee’ last night… and I wonder… I don’t wonder why because I know the reason why, I simply wonder if it’s possible to love a person for a long period of time without actually realising it until you’re reminded of this person. I don’t wonder because I’ve been aware he has often been on my mind on and off ever since. Pain has the tendency to diminish over time even when you were hurting. At times that’s a good thing, occasionally it could become something unrealistic if you lose sight and fail to take into account why you were hurt to begin with.

I had to let go which was the toughest thing I ever had to do. I had to let go because I couldn’t carry the weight of two lives gone wrong. I had to fix mine first. Last night I was looking for something on my NAS and was wondering where I kept movies and tunes he’d sent me over time. I’m pretty sure I have them still as I’d never throw out any of the things he’d sent me. I just realized they weren’t on the NAS as I bought it about two years ago.

But there were some other things I had a look at: pictures. The first one that I opened was him. My heart skipped a beat as I hadn’t seen that face in a long long time. I was overwhelmed with feelings. It came as a surprise, but then again it didn’t. It was just a confirmation of something that I’ve known all along. And realizing this brings back lots and lots of emotions, longings and feelings. So… there it is! The kind of stuff that dreams are made off.

But I haven’t got a clue what I’m supposed to do about/with it… Although the dream(s) were real and the way I felt when I woke up was pretty real too…