Category Archives: Zesty Gal

The Inheritance

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Last year -uncle A- one of the two uncles living in the same elderly home at their place of birth passed away. I never had a real close family connection with him so I’d decided not to go to the funeral. He was a sweet man and I would always visit him whenever I would visit my other uncle -uncle B- since they lived a floor away from eachother. But still, there was not the same connection with him as I had with my uncle B. During the funeral of uncle A, uncle B passed away as well. It was a weird coincidence.

But since I believe that things happen for a reason, I’d rather think that uncle B decided to leave this place by choice. He wasn’t feeling well at the time and he used to say quite often that he was tired of life, that he was ready to go. So he did, I guess… This uncle was the sweetest uncle I’ve ever had, always happy and laughing. Yes he could get grumpy as well, but the funny thing is, never with me. We could laugh about silly simple things, like birds hanging upside down from a branch to get to the string of peanuts.

So I travelled south to attend to his funeral. I can’t start to describe what the funeral was like but the whole thing made me kinda sad and not for obvious reasons. My aunt, who used to be the person to turn to since I was a kid, turned this funeral into a personal vendetta against my mum. It was such a sad sad thing to see, she made it all about herself and her relationship with uncle B and totally ignored her sister.

Ever since my move back to the Netherlands I noticed my relationship with my aunt had turned sour. I noticed how I could no longer deal with her negative attitude at times. She would ask questions but wouldn’t listen to the answers and slag off any of my reasons. There was never one positive word, either that or she would start off positive but changed it halfway the conversation. There was always something to nag about.

She knows my address and number yet she refuses to call me or send mail. I’ve sent cards, I’ve called her but whenever I did I wouldn’t be happy, I’d feel really uncomfortable. She started blaming and claiming me which had the same effect. So slowly I turned away from her as I did not feel like staying in touch with her. She doesn’t understand a thing about my current life, relationship and where I’m going because she doesn’t want to.

My uncle’s funeral was where I drew the line. She’d arranged everything, from inheritance to the flower decorations and way too much food at the reception after, which was extremely extravagant. It was a total waste and not something my uncle would’ve wanted. The service was about her and not about my uncle, it was one big vainglorious event to make my mum feel small. I guess I’m extremely disappointed in my aunt.

Ever since, she has not contacted me. No letters, no calls, no x-Mas cards (I did sent her one) and no birthday cards. Oddly enough, her son has sent a x-Mas card to my mum, the first in years (…) perhaps ever… So I do wonder what is going on, but I don’t let it get to me. I guess I’m making a clean sweep and although I’m disappointed how all of this is supposed to end, I feel relieved. It’s closure…

Four months after the funeral of uncle B, I received a letter about his will and that he had left me something. It felt wrong somehow and it took me another four months to claim it. I’ve decided to use it on something special to turn all ‘the negative’ surrounding his death into something positive. That’s what he would’ve wanted, to put a smile on my face.

Can’t Be Bothered

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Once again my intuition proved me right. I have certain people in my life that I can’t rely on really. In the past it used to bother me big time, I would even let it upset me to a point where I was angry at myself for having high expectations once again. Point is, it has nothing to do with me. These people are who they are; they only need someone when they can use and take advantage of the person. They are calculated and ambiguous. You won’t hear from them (until they need you again) once they got what they want from you.

That’s all.

People that I thought were my friends, proved otherwise. These days I can’t really be bothered anymore, they say one thing and do another, they’re phony, they’re not genuine and they’re transparent to me. My intuition tells me to be aware and so I am. I play their game along and tell them what they need to hear from me but always keep a thought in the back of my mind. I’d say to myself: ‘Common, I challenge you to play your cards, show me what you’re made of, coz whatever it is I’m always a step ahead of you…’

In the past I’d do anything to please ‘friends’ whenever they needed me. I’d be willing to make them happy, I would be extremely flexible and forgiving. Back then I was not willing to distance myself so it would not get to me. Instead I’d let them upset me, whilst looking for their approval and wanting to be part of their interesting *not* lives. It would take me time to find out the truth about their superficial traits, thus their superficial ‘friendship’. And in the process I would get hurt or upset over and over again.

These days, I do take my distance and whenever they try to get in touch or meet up, there’s always this voice in the back of my head telling me ‘seeing is believing, you’d better prove to me first that you are worth my time…’. It’s fine, I let them be who they are, I approach them the way they approach me. Funny thing is that most of the time, they don’t like that at all, I guess it’s because I put a mirror in front of them and show them their true colours. If you want to play games with me, you’ll get to play, so play wisely…

Friendship is not based on games though but on affection, trust, and a mutual sense of concern and respect. Friends are there for you when you need them. They would leave you alone when you need solitude. A truly great friend can tell the difference between these two. Aristotle speaks of three kinds of friendship; ‘friendship of utility’ based on usefulness of the association with another, ‘friendship of pleasure’ based on pleasures and enjoyment produced by the association of another. Both self-centered and egocentric.

And a third: ‘friendship in virtue’ which incites each other to higher purposes. I’m afraid that those ‘certain people in my life’ which I’ve referred to in the first sentence are the kind that would be part of the aforementioned friendships. The self-centered and egocentric kind. The kind of friendships that are subject to dissolution with time and circumstances. Lucky me I recognise it a lot faster nowadays, so I take distance and lower my expectations. And instead I spend more time with friends of the last category ;)