Category Archives: Quest

Let Go…

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I wish we could’ve remained friends but that’s impossible coz I can tell there is still hurt, it is shown to me in different ways. I guess I’ve been misunderstood when I decided to move on and let go. Some things happened that I will not be able to forget. If you need someone, you expect someone to be there for you. I’ve learnt over the years, to turn into survival mode when your expectations are not met.

I’d give up hope and I’ll stop putting myself in a position where I depend on someone to be empathetic, understanding and/or supportive. I will show the world that I can take care of things myself and not stray from the path I’ve chosen to take. But once there, there is no easy turning back. I will not be able to trust again that easily. I’ve learnt over the years to fight my own battles with or without help.

In this case (and many others)… without…

I wasn’t willing to listen, just tired of fights and having to answer to everyone around me whilst they only felt the need to judge. I was tired of them telling me what to say, what to wear, what to eat, how to behave, what to feel. Tired being told what was best for me and all the so-called ‘good’ advice. So I took a course and learnt how to set my boundaries and how not to be used as a doormat.

I learnt how to be good to myself and nurture the needs that I have. It is still the hardest thing for me to do but I’m slowly getting there. But once there’s personal growth there’s also a possibility that you’ll outgrow others. I had to say goodbye to some because it became clear to me why they were still in my life and it wasn’t for the right reasons. I had to let go of them, I owed it to myself.

I failed tho, to make this one person understand my reasons why I had to do what needed to be done. If someone is not willing to let go and tries to hold on to something that is no longer there, there is no other option left than to cut the ties. It’s not what I wanted but how I was forced to in a way. This person is still not dealing with the facts, I can see pain, anger, frustration or worse: sarcasm.

It hurts if you know that you can’t do anything about it because they’re not willing to accept the truth or listen to what you have to say. So if you know you’re the cause of this, it might be a good decision to create distance and not get involved at all. It doesn’t make things easier tho. It’s something that needed to be done, I’m not proud of it but I hope that one day, my decision will be understood…

A Matter of Sorting…

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I’ve been sorting out this blog on and off for some time now. Ever since I’ve moved it from Movable Type to WordPress it became a bit of a mess. Movable Type had no easy option to convert the format to that of WordPress so I had to clean out all sorts of code. Still doing this whenever I have a moment. Having written a blog for 10+ years is a lot to digest and not just in this particular perspective.

Whenever I’m cleaning out code I end up reading old posts, some I have hidden, some I wanted to delete (although I haven’t) because they’re no longer accurate. They’re still a part of me and they do show how I felt at the time. Some made me extremely emotional the moment I realised what I’d been through and what I’ve had to deal with over the years. Others made me realise that I did what needed to be done…

And I’m proud of myself for doing so. I guess at times I tend to forget what happened since it’s much easier to think about the happy stuff. It also made me realise that some of my ‘best friends’ are no longer my best friends. I took my distance because they were judging me or judging the situation I was in instead of giving me the support and most of all the trust that I could handle things myself without all the well intended ‘good advice’.

I knew I could do it, I knew I could climb out of the hole and get things back in order. I knew I could focus as long as I could believe in my strength to do so. And I did… Life is hectic and I have little time but I miss writing a lot since it’s a way to clear my head and put things in perspective, hence this post. I’ve promised myself to write more often although I realise that I’ve mentioned the same in my last post, this time I need to do this: for me.

I guess I’ve been a tad disappointed with certain people and the way they treated me. I guess I expected them to believe in me since I had it all planned in my head. They did not show their support though, all they did was either criticize me or simply deny everything that was going on. I was tired of having to answer to them so I stopped doing this. The only one I had to answer to was me as I am responsible for my own actions.

It’s a shame that there has to be jealousy instead, it’s a shame that they envy my strength, it’s a shame that they cannot be happy for me and that there seems to be the tendency to ignore everything I have accomplished over the last three years. I do not understand their behaviour but I’ve promised myself not to worry about it, or even think about it because it is taking energy that I’d better use on positive things.

I’m happy and that’s all that matters. Of course there are certain issues that could use change but it will come in time and I’m not rushing to make these changes. Most of it is career-wise. I’m grateful that I have a job, although I work 12 hours a day at the moment having to travel back and forth. It’s a project that is fun and the contract has been extended twice already so I don’t mind.

The team that I work with are a bunch of funny geeks who appreciate what I’m doing which makes it all worth the trouble of having to commute daily. What was supposed to be a two months project already turned into a five months project and it wouldn’t surprise me if that would be extended by another two months. There’s still lots of work to do but I’m enjoying all of it. My designs, expertise and skills are highly valued which is greatly rewarding.

I’m sorting… in more than one perspective and I feel happy doing so :)