Category Archives: Amsterdam II

The Dream

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“…The mate for the wildish woman is the one who has a soulful tenacity and endurance, one who can send his own instinctual nature to peek under the tent of a woman’s sould-life and comprehend what he sees and hears there. The good match is the man who keeps returning to try to understand, who does not let himself be deterred by the sideshows on the road…”

~ “Women Who Run With the Wolves” by Clarissa Pinkola Estes

I dreamt about ‘my Manawee’ last night… and I wonder… I don’t wonder why because I know the reason why, I simply wonder if it’s possible to love a person for a long period of time without actually realising it until you’re reminded of this person. I don’t wonder because I’ve been aware he has often been on my mind on and off ever since. Pain has the tendency to diminish over time even when you were hurting. At times that’s a good thing, occasionally it could become something unrealistic if you lose sight and fail to take into account why you were hurt to begin with.

I had to let go which was the toughest thing I ever had to do. I had to let go because I couldn’t carry the weight of two lives gone wrong. I had to fix mine first. Last night I was looking for something on my NAS and was wondering where I kept movies and tunes he’d sent me over time. I’m pretty sure I have them still as I’d never throw out any of the things he’d sent me. I just realized they weren’t on the NAS as I bought it about two years ago.

But there were some other things I had a look at: pictures. The first one that I opened was him. My heart skipped a beat as I hadn’t seen that face in a long long time. I was overwhelmed with feelings. It came as a surprise, but then again it didn’t. It was just a confirmation of something that I’ve known all along. And realizing this brings back lots and lots of emotions, longings and feelings. So… there it is! The kind of stuff that dreams are made off.

But I haven’t got a clue what I’m supposed to do about/with it… Although the dream(s) were real and the way I felt when I woke up was pretty real too…

Slacker…

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I’ve been away for a while, I guess life caugth up with me over the past eight months. Things have been utterly hectic and weird lately in all aspects. My assignment finished in January this year, I was told the second week of December last year just when I was about to take my well-earned two weeks off. Because the board member -responsible for the web team and redesign of the government website- stepped down and removed herself from this project it was cast adrift all of a sudden. Never in my entire career have I faced a situation like this. I was stunned by the unprofessional ways this organisation was dealing with their employees, the repetitive mistakes and the arrogant attitude that came with it. It was like walking through a maze, not sure what to expect around each corner.

And so my assignment ended the day before my birthday, what a coincedence… In the meantime I’d already had two intakes at two different clients. The latter wanted another interview planned as soon as my assignment had ended. Then after I also had to give a presentation including answering questions, and once that was done they would decide if they wanted to take me on for this project. Five minutes after I had held my presentation, -I was on my way back to Amsterdam and just gotten on the train when I received a call- I was told that I was hired for the project. I was surprised because I didn’t know what to expect after giving this presentation to about fifteen people. I guess I must have left a good impression with at least half of the group or else they wouldn’t have hired me ;)

Things went all way too fast as I didn’t have a moment to relax and adjust to the new situation. Last time I was in between projects I had a few months where I could relax a bit, finish work-related administration, backup files and documents, and get my Mac ready for the next assignment. This time, I only had five days of which three were over the weekend. So yes things have been pretty hectic since and I’ve been juggling work, ‘me-time’ and the demands of daily life in general. It’s one of the largest projects I’ve worked on so far as it involves three levels of government, municipal, provincial and the water boards (the oldest government authorities in the Netherlands). This makes it all very complex, but at the same time it’s a really cool experience and a great opportunity to gain knowledge!

Then at the beginning of this month our department moved further south, so my already long distance commute doubled in km and time. It’s ok for now, the project is worth the trip but I’m not sure if I can keep up with this for a couple of years. I’m already told that if they’re happy with my skills and input, I could easily have this assignment extended to up to three to five years at least (…). I’m trying to get approval to work from home one day per week which will give me an extra two hours in the morning to catch up on sleep and I could do some chores during the day. Yup, I have been a total blog slacker but it has been out of my control all these months. Whenever I started to write I couldn’t finish due to a serious lack of time. I will try and write at least once a month and I’ll catch up when I can ;)