I can’t think right now, I’m kinda brain dead after an evening of confrontation. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place and it doesn’t feel nice coz things get stone-cold, things like my feelings, emotions and my brain. The situation I’m in is not healthy, it wouldn’t be healthy for anyone, it’s absurd to say the least and most of all it drains me from my energy and positive thoughts that I’m trying to hold on to. That I have been trying to hold on to for quite some time now. Holding on to positive thoughts keeps me sane, it keeps me from looking over the edge and watching the abyss open up before me once again like it did tonight…
Writing helps, it puts everything in order so I can make a decision. One that will shape me again for the rest of my life, one that I’m not likely to forget. Life is never easy but I could really use a break right now, I think I’ve had enough on my plate over the last three years ever since I decided to trust and jump into the abyss. Back then it was easier, well at least I thought it was because I had a bit of support coming from someone I thought I could trust. Nine months later that trust was crushed and hasn’t changed since. I’m taking full responsibility realising that what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger, but at what price exactly?
I often wonder what I’m supposed to learn from this experience, it seems I’ve only been stuck in this prison while I expected to gain some freedom. Au contraire… I know I’ll survive and I know I will gain in the end, I don’t have any doubts about that but what I’m forced to face would’ve been so much easier if I wouldn’t have to face it on my own. These are the times where I miss my friends, where I could use a proper Dutch ‘koffie verkeerd‘ and the company and uplifting words of those who never have let me down in any way. There aren’t many but those that I have are close to me no matter the distance or that bit of water…
One actually sent me a letter for my birthday along with a beautiful symbolic gift and his words echo in my head ever since. It meant/means more to me than I’ll ever be able to put into words. It’s hard to have no self-doubt when everything seems to be working against you and you’re in a constant struggle with circumstances. I’m a Capricorn, I’m not complaining… just extremely aware of facts and trying hard not to lose faith, but those words came at a moment where I needed them most and it’s still something I hold on to whenever I do end up seeing everything in black which is a typical Capricorn trait that I will conquer once again.
It’s time to make a decision and come up with a plan, deep down I think I already have. Not one that is made lightly, not one that will be easy to pursue. One that will definitely get me out of balance for some time but if I was to look at the positive side of it all I would say that at least I’m happy I won’t have to sell my couch that has been in storage for some time because it doesn’t fit through these narrow Victorian front doors…
I think that when an idea is well matured the time to action it will come naturally. Only you know when the time is the right one but sometimes one tends to procrastinate. It tends to happen to all.
I will share an experience of mine with you if I may that kind of illustrates what I want to say. Living with my parents was very oppressive. I am merely stating facts and not judging them or my socio-economical background, the society in which I grew up. The main issue here is that I was feeling unhappy at my parents home and though I had always known it, felt it, I realised that their house was not mine and that I didn’t have any type of freedom. I couldn’t really be myself and decided that I could live in a better way. Though freedom is expensive (rent, food, the fear of the unknown) things worked magically and I experienced some of the best moments of my life living on my own. I took a decision after thinking a lot about it but when the moment came for me to actually do it, I knew how to identify that moment.
Anyway, as usual, I have written a lot and I hope you don’t mind. It’s just that I wanted to share my experience with you as perhaps it could be of some help.
I am not sure either if I had mentioned my experience of living my parents home as it is one that really made an impact in my life…so I hope I am not boring you
My best wishes from afar
I hear you and thank you for your sweet words
I never mind you writing a lot, it’s good to hear other people’s opinion and/or experience on a subject and I definitely appreciate yours, so you should never worry about that!!!
You are right about this but I’m not sure though if I’m procrastinating although you have a good point there. I think I need to make sure that things are safe and secure first before I’d take the leap perhaps that’s the same as thinking about it. In my case it means I would have to move back to NL which involves a long list of complications and the current economical situation doesn’t make things easier. I’ve called friends today to let them know and hear them out about things and it all doesn’t sound very positive.
I realise the only way forward is to take the leap but with the complications I could end up going from worse to worst. I’m not even sure if I would have a roof over my head since there is a waiting list of 20 years just to get an apartment. I’m working on things though and taking baby steps to get there, one at a time… I can do this, I know I can but at times I’m getting tired of all the struggles
Thanks for your concern and support Wen, I appreciate it! And no… you could never bore me 
Yes, it’s a big step and I agree with you that it is better to be cautious to avoid disappointments or problematic situations.
It is always a risk taking decisions like this because just the same way that things worked out for me in my example above, they could have well led me to not finding a place in the first place (’cause I didn’t have a clue where I could go) or I could have ended up living in a horrible place with awful people and having had a bad experience. I took a big risk I know and it is always good to do your homework to be better safe than sorry as they say.
It’s a delicate balance.
Have you read “The Alchemist” (Paulo Coelho)? I have read a couple of his books but I have only enjoyed this one. Perhaps it could help you with positive thoughts in this important moment of your life.
I send you tons of positive vibes from Sunny (well, actually cloudy and windy today LOL) Malta.
hmmm…. there’s “that” book again
Too bad when I went back to the library only to find their only copy stolen
But if I paid attention when I first read it, perhaps there was a reason it wasn’t there for me this time…. perhaps cause someone else needed to read it for themselves?
Thanks for your insight Wen! Yes I have read ‘The Alchemist’ my aunt asked me what I wanted to have for my birthday six years ago and that book had been on my list for some time already so I asked her for the English version
It’s funny you mention this because we must have had the same brainwave or something *LOL* It has been on my mind a LOT lately while I was thinking about the above, I could find similarities… Losing everything that is dear to you and having to start from scratch. Having to make decisions while not being able to see what is next. Networking and see what you’re options are… I’m doing all that
but perhaps I should focus on it again like you’re suggesting 
Thanks for the positive vibes Wen, I could use some
When you are ready friend, you will make your move…
or – I’ll just come over there and take you away.
Okay, no… your decision.
But T. … you deserve to be happy and free and happy! Oh please be happy T. …
Hugs honey.. and love from over the Pond.
I think some books are meant to be read again
Well that someone might have to read it again but is currently running out of time and not quite relaxed enough to sit down and focus on one particular story while others are being written as we speak… The message is known though and won’t easily be forgotten, there are parallels to be found… 
*sigh*
You’re so right… *hugs* I’m preparing… not sure how and what, but I am, tiny steps. Oh how I wish I could move there and start with a clean slate! Thank you Monica
Things take time I guess, I’m not miserable, just unhappy with a situation and been hoping things would’ve worked out by now but then stuff happens worldwide that I have no control over and it spoils that little bit of a chance I had… another curve 
And yes you’re right, I deserve to be happy and I will be my usual self again once this is all over, you have no idea how I’m looking forward to that
But moving mountains… jeez… it takes so much strength to not sit down and give up 
Thank you dear, for your love and support!