Monthly Archives: April 2016

Given Time

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I need to get things out of my system today and writing is one option that works quite well for me. I’ve been sleeping very badly ever since I’ve been ill for three weeks in December last year. Somehow my sleeping pattern got totally messed up. At times I’m awake till four or even six in the morning having to get up at 06.30 to get to work. During the day I tend to nod off around 15.00 and 16.00 or on my way home on the train. I’m just way too tired.

When in bed I try to relax a bit by playing Sudoku on my mobile but after a while I get fed up with it and will try to sleep but the moment I do the movie in my head starts and it won’t stop. I just keep thinking about things, life, expectations, hopes, my quest and most of all fears. Fear seems to stop me each time from whatever it is I really want from life. Last weekend I had finally finished a cool jewellery design because I’d found the right materials.

So I had this wonderful happy blissful feeling all day long. I realised I had solved a problem that had been stuck in the back of my head for almost two years. The solution saves me time, expenses and the feeling I could seriously mess up a design has completely vanished. It has opened up a new world of endless possibilities and instant gratification. I was so excited I couldn’s sleep at all, thinking about these questions in life that remain no matter what I do.

Fear is keeping me from making a decision, it’s holding me back from what I love to do most and what makes me happy. So I wonder why I don’t make that decision when all I’m getting are extremely positive reactions and a really good feeling about myself. Instead I choose to continue with a job that nolonger gives me any satisfaction no matter how I look at it. I remain in that exact same spot while if I wanted it, really wanted it, I could make things work.

Why would I choose this nagging unhappy feeling above the euphoric state I was in when I accomplished something? I really don’t get it. Is it fear? Fear of what? Staying awake half the night thinking things thru over and over again is not going to do me any good either so why am I doing this to myself? Why is it so extremely hard to go for what I really want wholeheartedly? At times I feel like shouting to myself to awaken me from this bad self-inflicted nonsense.

The other day I was thinking to myself: ‘Tess, if you don’t do this now, you’ll never do it, you’d be running out of time’. All the signs are pointing into the same direction, everything is screaming at me somehow. I can’t just ignore it. It happened too often and with an amazing strong force. People are extremely positive, even encouraging me to take the leap. And yet I stop myself from doing it. Today when I looked at a FB page of an artist I admire, I read the following:

‘All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us’

I wrote it down in my Passion Planner so I can decorate it and turn it into a piece of art that can’t be overlooked or neglected. So if you’ll excuse me for a while… I have a decision to make ;)

Sweetest Revenge

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I remember that one early morning -when I was a kid- my mother came into my room. I guess it must have been Saturday or Sunday since it was early but I wasn’t up yet to go to school, instead I was in a deep sleep when she woke me. She came into my room calling my name and I asked her what was going on. She told me to get out of bed and look outside through the window. I was still very sleepy and my bed felt nice, cosy and warm, I didn’t want to get up but I did anyway. I walked over to the window where she stood and pulled the curtains away.

The moment I had pulled the curtains she said to me ‘Do you see the horse attached to the post of that street light over there?’ whilst pointing her finger in a certain direction. I tried to see where her finger was pointing and saw different street lights but no horse to be seen anywhere. So I asked her ‘Where do you see a horse mum?’. She said ‘Over there…’ pointing in the same direction as she did earlier. Again I looked but couldn’t see a horse attached to a street light. I was confused and when she noticed the puzzled expression on my face, she said ‘April Fool!’.

I’ve never forgotten that moment of feeling tricked and being intrigued and amused at the same time, until this day I have to chuckle each year when April Fools’ Day comes around thinking about how my mum played the joke on me. But last night I finally had my moment of revenge after almost 40 years. And it was sweet ;) I called her last night around 23.00 because I’d promised to call and also to tell her that I’d had an interview that day about a new assignment and to ask her how she was doing. She sounded a bit depressed and not too happy about life in general.

At times she gets these moods where nothing seems to matter anymore and she seems tired of life. I won’t go into details because those are private but she does have a tendency to be negative and complain about certain things, expecting others to solve these issues for her. So I guess I’m kind of used to this pattern and won’t let it get to me. I will lend an ear and express sympathy but will not hold back to tell her the truth every so often if she is willing to listen that is. She can be pretty tough on herself raising the bar too high and ‘punishing’ herself accordingly…

*hmmm I know of this other person and a bar as well, as I write I observe and learn ;) *

We were talking for about an hour and half when I noticed the date and time on my MacBook Air, it showed fri 1 apr. 00:34. I immediately got this idea in my mind and started grinning from ear to ear wondering if it would work after nearly 40 years or not. So I interrupted my mum and asked her if she could get out of her chair for a moment. To my surprise she did without even asking questions. So I told her to go to the window and asked if the blinds were down, she said they were only halfway. Then I told her to move closer to the window and have a good look.

I asked her if she could see the street light, she answered she could. Then I asked her if she could see the donkey attached to it… And she bursted out in laughter! She remembered exactly what I was on about and smirked in triumph about something that happened nearly 40 years ago. We both had a good laugh. I said to her ‘I finally have my sweet revenge, do you realise what you did to me all those years ago you bad bad mother?’ and we laughed some more. It was a really nice, close moment that we shared together both silly laughing and grinning.

But the best part was when we were about to hang up she said to me that she was going to bed and that she would probably still be grinning whilst trying to get some sleep and even the day after in the morning when she would wake up. It was nice to realise that I had the ability to turn her slightly bad day into a better one even if it was at her expense… ;)