Monthly Archives: April 2010

Pink Confetti

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I’m having a day off in the midst of this five weeks course and it’s a welcome break. I’m having a slight cold today, it’s because the weather has been crazy all week. When I leave in the morning it’s only about 8C° but by the time the course is done it’s about 20C°. Choosing the right things to wear is kinda hard when the weather is like this and would’ve been much easier if I could get to the course by car. But I’m not… I’m cycling each day and it feels great!

On my way there I’m surrounded by nature and each morning I watch birds nesting, green around me getting greener and blossoms being washed down by rain. The wind causes a whirl of nature’s confetti when it touches these tiny pink blossoms lying on the ground. Unfortunately it’s only a matter of weeks or even days -depending on the weather- for the blossoms to be gone again so I’m trying to enjoy them as much as I can while I can…

I had an extremely busy week, running around to get to different appointments. I haven’t had much sleep either worrying too much about stuff that I shouldn’t worry about. I’ve learnt so much about myself especially yesterday when I was told that I should stop being such a perfectionist. That I should cut myself some slack: not to put so much pressure on me by trying to do everything right not allowing myself to make any mistakes.

I had to give a presentation to a group of twelve people: they would ‘judge’ me by giving me feedback on things such as, posture, attitude, facial expression, body language etc. I didn’t have much time to prepare my presentation since I missed quite a few hours of this course having to deal with appointments with municipal offices, providing them with papers and such. The degree of unnecessary bureaucracy in this country still amazes at times.

Anyway, the presentation went extremely well. Something I didn’t expect at all and I was told by the coach to sit back and revel in all the compliments for a change instead of thinking about what could’ve been improved still. I mentioned self-reflection in my previous post but boy, it sure is… and it’s been great so far! The stress has reduced big time after my last appointment on Wednesday when I broke out in tears all of a sudden.

Something that was mentioned touched the right chord at the right time. Some (so-called friends) fail to support me or understand what I’m dealing with, while others (read: strangers at municipal offices) realise what is going on and totally understand how I feel about it all. So I was touched by the empathy and the kind words of this stranger opposite of me, it was liberating to finally get the opportunity to shed those tears after all the stress.

It’s been a strange week but a good one and I’m celebrating new insight by enjoying the free pink confetti party that nature is throwing me!

© Zesty Gal – Pink Confetti, there’s six of them in a row :)

Self-reflection

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I’m currently taking a five weeks course which is extremely interesting and involves a lot of self-reflection and psychology, just my cup of tea. And it seems it’s exactly what I needed to stay sane these days: I’ve been struggling lately to keep my chin up and see the bright side of life. I’ve had too many thoughts and worries, wondering what the hell went wrong, ‘where’ and ‘when’ and mostly ‘why’. Having extreme mood swings is not helping much either, feeling on top of things one day and utterly down the next.

I’m still struggling but I’m feeling a lot better since I’ve started this course. Just hearing all the stories from other people being in the same situation is comforting. And perhaps it sounds odd but it also made me realise that no matter what the current situation is like there are always others who have a much tougher struggle than I have. Which makes me realise that I should count my blessings really. I’m not saying this to compare situations and people because they’re all unique but it does make one think…

I can be a real tough cookie: not willing to admit that I might need others to help me, not being vulnerable and least of all asking others to support me or be there for me. So I tend to try to solve things myself and be the independent strong woman that I expect myself to be. In my experience when you need someone most, they are not there for you anyway and you can not rely on them. Most of the time help comes at the most unexpected moment from someone other than the people you expect it from.

So self-reflection is liberating and it teaches me that I can feel down when I feel down, that I don’t have to be strong all the time, that I’m definitely not alone in this and not the odd one out, that I shouldn’t have to be ashamed to be in this situation, that I should try my best to survive and do whatever possible to get back on track and that there are people/strangers out there who are willing to help if I let them. I received a huge compliment the other day, yes it was very hard to accept but it was so good to hear!

There were two groups and each had to write down a quality that they’d seen in each person of the other group: how someone has been perceived. After a while each group had to give a presentation and explain why a person was given a particular quality. My quality was ‘intelligent’… I was pleasantly surprised because I often don’t give myself any credits while deep down I know exactly what qualities I have. Somehow I just always need to hear a confirmation from others before I believe it to be true.

So since Monday I can finally start to see myself in a different light, one that is less tough and less demanding… I can allow myself to believe in me and accept myself for who I am and to trust myself to have the qualities to get through a difficult time and be successful. To look at the cause and effect but to see this as a fresh start with a million of options and opportunities to choose from instead of failure. Now please… let me hold on to this feeling… I can… I know I can!