I’m sure that one day I will laugh when I’ll read parts of this blog again, one day I will understand and realise why I wasn’t able to see things sooner because I was stuck in the middle and I couldn’t observe from a distance. One day I might be able to forgive but I don’t think I will ever forget. One day I might have learned enough lessons to recognise the red flags in time and run away as fast as I possibly can while I still can. One day I might be able to trust my own judgment and listen to what my gut feeling is telling me…

But today is just today, another day of five in a row so far, last time it was like this, it lasted two weeks where I tasted the bitter fruits of emotional abuse at any possible time of the day, or night, not to mention all those times where I decided not to write about it but keep quiet. I’ve tried to count the remarks and lost track but the words still echo in my head as if they were said a second ago. It seems that the harder I ignore them the more they hurt and I’m sure it’s not just from biting my tongue.

I’m not welcome here and the hints are anything but subtle these days, they’re harsh and cruel. This from someone who told me two days ago when I had a weak moment [one that I still regret], that he understood my tears and frustration so well; I should take time to recover and stay home because I can’t work for a while, I should just accept it… And minutes later the bullying starts again, indirect sneering criticism, threats and insults about anything that is basically me or related to me.

I’m told he’s only joking when I can’t bite my tongue no longer, but I ain’t laughing, au contraire… I just hide my tears when I cry myself to sleep again, trying to find a way out and stay focused which is hard when tears are blurring the view. Trying to understand why there are so many obstructions and what I need to learn from all this. Why my patience is tested once again and I so wish that this ‘One Day’ would be here as soon as possible, so I can laugh, laugh and feel free again.

‘I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring.

Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall,

the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will.

What carries you to the other side of that wall, to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?’

~Oriah Mountain Dreamer

How I miss my tiny garden

Where I used to sit still

With my bare feet on the ground…