While some things are going great other things don’t seem to be going well and I find myself having Friday Blues… Just wishing Friday would be over in the blink of an eye. I guess part is caused by the fact that I’m just extremely tired, I didn’t sleep well last night and I feel totally drained. There’s a lot going on at the moment. I received a letter from my mum and didn’t read it until this morning. I put it aside for a reason and I guess I should’ve been more cautious. Just another thing on the pile of unfinished business that needs to be sorted…
Along with the daily fact of having to walk on eggshells because I can’t seem to do anything right… I so wish things were different. I so wish I could be myself again, not being afraid of speaking up. Everything I say these days seem to turn into nastiness and I’m treated in an obnoxious way. I wish I had a place to myself so I could feel peaceful again, not having to worry about time, rushed by time. Working hours seem to have become the only period during the day where I can be myself without being bothered.
I was so close in having it all started until I found out last Friday that I needed to arrange one more thing in order to get there, actually the most important thing of it all. And because I didn’t trust my own gut feeling which I should have, I am once again in a position I don’t want to be in because I was told the untruth and I believed it instead of myself. My aunt explained to me the other day that because I’m becoming independent it will cause friction, because I no longer ‘need’ the other person to help me out. She’s right, it’s showing. The more I try to get my life back the more friction it seems to cause…
How I wish for some stability, while I realise that the only constant in life is change. I am working on things but progress seems to be so slow at times and its wearing me down. I was told a lot of things over the last few weeks, things that are not good for one’s self-esteem and if I’m not cautious and let go of this I will have to start all over again. There are once again more questions than answers and hurt starts to show. I seem to hit the panic button too often these days causing myself to be confused about people who deserve better than that and not knowing what to do next, how to tell them what is really on my mind… Guess I’m too scared…
When is this freaky merry-go-round going to stop?
[snippet taken from A. Keys]:
Can you take it away?
This pain in my heart that just follows me by day
And at night stalks me like the shadows on my wall
It feels like the world is closin’ on me
It feels like my dreams will never come to me
I keep on slippin’ deeper into myself
And I’m scared, so scared
Why does it feel that my mind is constantly trying to pull me down
I can’t seem to get away
Continuous mistakes I know I’m able for
How long will I feel so out of place
