I woke up in tears this morning because of a nightmare I had. It’s a sign to me that things are not okay, not that I don’t realise that already but it’s telling me how I deal with stress because I had the same reaction in the past. Last night I was given advice on how to move on with my life from the same person who tells me that he wants to split up. I can’t listen to this because he is the last person at the moment I would take advice from although I know he really means well. I feel like being pushed, I know I’ll get there on my own.
Basically I ended up having to defend myself about the same issues when we lived in the Lowlands and why I don’t feel like going back; jobs, social security, age discrimination [I have RSI, so I was stuck in the wonderful system of Dutch bureaucracy telling me I wasn’t allowed to do what I’ve studied for or skilled in or else they would take my insurance benefit which they took in the end anyway *sarcastic*]. In the Lowlands you’ll have to mention your DOB in your resume opposed to the UK and they’d rather hire someone young and inexperienced age 25/30 [read cheap wages] than someone with experience and age 30+/40+/50+ [read expensive wages].
In the Lowlands you need education for each and every job and the right papers if you want to make a career change you’ll have to study again, here in the UK people just switch careers like they switch lights on and off, basically even a moron can become prime minister but I reckon that’s the same in the Lowlands… I’ve made up my mind and will stay here and choose the hard way. Trying to explain this over and over again last night didn’t make things easier. I can discuss anything except this and I really don’t need to hear how to organise my life. It caused friction yesterday and he apologised. He is only trying… I know he is.
This morning after I woke up crying, I went over to my desk to start working and found this, and then I cried some more because it made me happy for a moment.
My life seems to be one big contradiction these days…
[ps I don’t have the results from the hospital back yet, probably next week]
Monthly Archives: April 2007
Appreciation
It’s almost amusing to notice how people tend to back away from you when something ‘bad’ happens in your life. It almost seems like you’re not allowed to feel sad, depressed, moody or any other, by society labelled as ‘bad’, emotion. Or they can’t seem to deal with it. Well I’m not going to apologise for having bad days and what you’ll read on my website are true feelings because I’m real and I don’t pretend to be happy when I’m not.
It reminds me of 2002 when my father died of cancer after being hospitalised for three months. It was a relief to finally let go of all the stress and to be able to let go of him in a very heartwarming and loving way. It was good because I had a chance to say goodbye to him and tell him everything I wanted him to know. Share my final thoughts and feelings. Those moments are priceless and I treasure them forever.
But back then some people didn’t have a clue how to deal with this and instead of giving support, they backed away quietly. Instead of trying to understand, they started to ignore. I have to admit that wasn’t easy for me and I have to admit at times I took it very personal. Friends turned out to be not such good friends at all, almost like a natural selection, only the true and strong ones survived. I clung on to the ones who were there for me till the end and they are still there for me here and now.
These days I know better and I try not to take things personal, in the end I will only have gained no matter what happens. I’ve received some really sweet emails over the last few days and that is exactly what I need right now, a funny picture, an interesting link, something light, a few kind words/lines, a comment etc. I would like to thank these people, you know who you are when you read this: some friends, some acquaintances, some I’ve never even met in the real world, only online.
Life comes with good and bad things, if it wasn’t for the bad I wouldn’t be able to appreciate the good…