Tag Archives: Question

Happy Halloween

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To those who googled for ‘chinese doctor’ please read the previous post [Three Days In Hospital] and next one [A Mystery] too. Feel free to email me if you have any questions about the herbal treatment, the address is on the right.

Yesterday I had an appointment at the hospital again; one in the morning and one in the afternoon both at Endoscopy. In the morning I had to give more blood and I was happy that I had a two-days-break from the previous horror shows although there are still visible reminders. My right arm is showing at least six needle tracks and a huge bruise that keeps growing bigger and changes colour over night. That in combination with my yellow eyes and skin makes me look like some freakin junkie, I guess I have a free Halloween outfit this year *hehe* But I’ll miss out on all the festivities, although when they wheeled me in my bed through the hospital all the way to the other end of the building to have the ultrasound done, I passed a nicely decorated reception, covered in glitter spiders and funny pumpkins. A spooky ride through the hospital… Yes I was feeling very unwell but I never lose my eye for detail especially when it makes me smile…

The nurse had to take four more blood samples yesterday and I was prepared for another painful experience. The needle went in… but no blood came out and the nurse wasn’t happy nor was I. She had to pull it out after a few minutes and as soon as she did my blood started to run… I was not happy at all because it meant she had to do it all over again, she couldn’t use my right arm because of all the bruises and my left started to act up. I had the same situation in the past where I had to give a lot of blood and at some point my body just refuses to cooperate. It is saying: ‘I had enough of it, don’t mess with me anymore’. Lucky me I had a very bright nurse and she said she didn’t want to try again because she knew she wasn’t capable. She was used to using much thinner needles so she wanted it done by a pro and told us to wait for the doctor. He told me he had 25 years of experience. Yes it did hurt especially the spot he had chosen which was on the bruised arm but more on the inside and further down. But he had a very steady hand and he was quick, it took five minutes instead of 15 to 20…

Again I had two arms that I couldn’t really use, somehow those veins get into some kind of shock and become stiff. The nurse had almost left no bruise at all but the one the doctor did turned into a nice purple greenish spot. I guess that’s my fault because he asked me to put pressure there and I didn’t do it hard enough. But it’s fine it doesn’t hurt at all, the other spot, the big one does and according to the nurse it will take weeks to vanish. I went home all dizzy again slept for a few hours and send out some emails to people. I felt drained so couldn’t do much. I went back to the hospital in the afternoon. The good news was that the earlier ALT figure had gone down from 2750 last Wednesday when I was admitted to hospital, to 2500, to 2350 on Friday evening when I left, to 1700 yesterday. And I had one result back which made me really happy but will know more about the other tests next week when I have to come back again for tadaaa, another blood test and chat with the doctor. For now I shall rest a lot… My appetite is back and I was told only to eat food that I fancy, oddly enough I eat lots of grapes and bananas during the day and soup with two slices of toast in the evening. To me that’s a feast compared to what I had for weeks.

I would like to thank all of you for sending me words of encouragement, love and care; it meant a lot to me! I would also like to answer some issues that some of you don’t seem to understand.

Question: why didn’t you notice the yellow eyes sooner?

Answer: I didn’t suspect anything until five days before I actually had a look and I had googled for liver symptoms. AS. had asked me about the yellow eyes and I had said no to him because I was convinced I didn’t have them. Then on Tuesday while I was doing my makeup, I decided to have a good look and then noticed some yellowness only on the sides of my eyes. So it’s basically hidden if you look straight ahead. My GP confirmed this the next day; he thought I had a gall bladder obstruction and expected surgery, so sent me off to hospital asap. Over the next couple of days, my eyes were totally yellow but again only if you look in a certain light; you can’t see it when it’s slightly dark like in the evening. It seems to be normal not to notice, most people don’t notice the yellow eyes at all, especially men [according to the doctor at the hospital!]…

Question: why didn’t you notice the yellow skin sooner?

Answer: I know this sounds odd but that’s because I am yellow. I have a different skin colour because of my Caucasian mother and my Indonesian father. In summer it can get really deep tanned: golden mocha. The Italians used to call me Mocha, the French call me Olive… Even my hair changes colour: in the summertime it will be deep dark brown with a red glow and in the wintertime it becomes black. So in the wintertime my skin tends to look slightly yellowish, my dad had the same change. I’m even darker/more yellow than most Chinese… So no… I didn’t notice only now I can see a yellow glow but still. I think it was worse when MvdM. came to see me and we both had a look at it…

Question: why did you leave it too long?

Answer: people who know me can tell that I am not a whiner and that I won’t go to a doctor just because I have some pain somewhere or because I feel slightly ill. This started off as a flu-like period and I honestly thought it was a stomach bug. It takes a few weeks and then it should be gone. I was hoping for the best and when the symptoms were gone for a week, I thought things were back to normal again and only started to worry the week after when I felt incredibly tired all the time and would fall asleep at my desk instantly. Some Wikipedia: initial features are of nonspecific flu-like symptoms, common to almost all acute viral infections and may include: malaise, muscle and joint aches, fever, feeling sick or vomiting, diarrhea and headache. More specific symptoms, which can be present in acute hepatitis from any cause are: profound loss of appetite, aversion of smoking among smokers, dark urine, yellowing of the eyes and skin i.e. jaundice and abdominal discomfort. Physical findings are usually minimal, apart from jaundice (33%).

Now I need to rest again, I wish you all a spooky Halloween! Be good, don’t scare the Ghouls, Ghosts, Jinn, Demons, Zombies, Death Knights, Scrags, Shamblers, Vores [aka Shalraths], Fiends, Ogres and Rotfish…

A Home for my Soul

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I’m sitting at my desk and a second ago while I was leaning backwards in my chair the morning sun caressed my face and I closed my eyes for a moment to enjoy the warmth when reality suddenly hit me. I miss my home, my own place where I would lie on my couch on sunny afternoons and fall asleep while the sun was keeping me warm. Where I had my Indonesian and other colonial-style furniture, carpets, lamps and books to surround me and make me feel happy. Where I had my tiny little garden filled with plants and fern, with my tiny little pond and all the frogs who came to visit me and keep me awake at night calling their loved ones. Where I had no modern Ikea flatpack stuff because I believe in authenticity and all my things have soul because that’s what time and origin gave them and that’s the type of stuff that I need around me… And I almost threw it out because I was told to do so: ‘oh just sell the crap or give it to friends, you won’t be needing it anymore and what’s the point in keeping it…’

Here I am living in this fake world that comes straight out of an Ikea brochure, no soul, no happiness and no depth just a superficial shiny surface where I can’t be myself and where I’m forced to be the actress [I’ve become a good one over the years!]. I threw out most of my things or gave them away to friends because I honestly believed that I would be safe and start a new life, so yes why not. I gave up my own identity hoping I would be able to have a shared one instead. I gave away things that I had to save up money for over the years in order to buy them, I gave up on things that had emotional value to me. I gave up my own space, my home and my friends because I believed in something. Something that quickly turned to dust and was blown away by this years early April breeze. I feel lonely because I seem to be stuck in this world that isn’t mine, it’s his and I want out of it so desperately. I gave up so much, just to live a dream that was never there, only to find myself caged with my wings clipped.

Why didn’t I admit to it sooner? Why didn’t I tell my friends what was truly going on underneath that shiny surface? Was I too proud? Too ashamed? Too ignorant? Too stupid? Or just not realising the serious undertone of a problem that was hidden so well it was slowly taking apart the springs and wheels of the complex clockwork that makes me tick… I read articles online about the topic, to learn, accept and understand the situation but most of all accept myself. To deal with this secret, overcome the damage and try to come to terms with it. I need to talk but I can’t because friends want to be heard too and instead of putting myself first I am there for them and listen to them. So I hide because I feel I have to do it on my own because I’m used to doing it on my own, I think about all the questions in my head and I write… page after page after page. To me it’s survivor instinct, something I’ve learned at a very young age, don’t expect people to truly listen because they are too busy being heard. So you end up pretending all is well while it really isn’t all that well…

One of many reasons why I started writing this blog, a place to vent, to rant and rave at times but most of all my space, which I can shape and design the way I like without having to answer to anyone except me. A place to feel comfortable, where I can say what I would like to say and write about the questions in my head and my quest for answers. One day, it would be nice to have that sunbeam caress my skin again like it used to, feel its warmth, feel safe but most of all, be myself and feel at home surrounded by all things ‘me’. And in the meantime I’ll just cry and keep writing…

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We all know what it means to listen, to really listen. It is more than hearing the words, it is truly understanding and accepting the other person’s message and also his/her situation and feelings. Empathy means understanding another person so well that you identify with him/her, you feel like he/she does. The Indians expressed it as: “Walking a mile in another person’s moccasins.” It is listening so intently and identifying so closely that you experience the other person’s situation, thoughts and emotions. Good therapists do this, so do good friends (Berger, 1987).

Empathy is one of the more important skills you will ever acquire. It is amazing how few people do it well.

Purposes

• It shows you care and that you understood the other person. Thus, people will enjoy talking to you and will open up more.

• If you have misunderstood, the talker can immediately correct your impressions. You learn more about people.

• It usually directs the conversation towards important emotional topics.

• It lets the talker know that you (the listener) accept him/her and will welcome more intimate, personal topics. It invites him/her to tell his/her story and vent his/her feelings.

• Since it is safe to talk about “deep” subjects, the talker can express feelings and self-explore, carefully considering all his/her deep-seated emotions, the reasons for those feelings and his/her options. Thus, it is therapeutic.

• It reduces our irritation with others because we understand. To understand is to forgive.

• It may even reduce our prejudice or negative assumptions about others because we realize we now have a means of finding out what another person is really like. Furthermore, we discover everyone is “understandable.”

• It fosters more meaningful, more helpful, closer friendships.

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