Tag Archives: Phase

Four-Year Itch

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I have this urge again lately; I’m desperately in need of change which manifests itself in dying my hair or a haircut… When I was a teenager it was much easier, I would dye my hair any colour I liked. It has been bright green, it has been blue and all sorts of different colours and shades. I had purple dreads about five years ago. I used to be a bit of a rebel to be honest and when I was a teenager I had words with my mum about this on several occasions.
Nowadays, although I still feel like dying it again, I wouldn’t do anything drastic anymore, although that could be considered as a personal opinion. What might be drastic to you doesn’t necessarily need to be drastic to me. My dreads were not drastic to me but to some people they were, I’ve been asked so many questions about my hair and when I decided to cut them [just did, out of the blue] I heard so many -totally different- remarks, a lot of people thought it was a shame, to me it was convenient; I assumed dreads wouldn’t be high maintenance; boy was I wrong!
I found myself gazing at all the ‘colourants’ by L’Oreal, Clairol, Garnier and Schwartzkopf just to get a general impression but couldn’t find anything nice, striking, it all seems so ‘normal’ to me, nothing fancy, nothing daring. So I reckon if it wouldn’t be ‘solved’ with dye, it might be solved with a simple haircut… Every four years I would cut it short again but up until now I still haven’t cut it short and it’s about 68cm long from the top of my head. I just noticed I had the same urge in January last year [it was then 55cm]. I reckon it must be the time of the year. Perhaps because nature is showing signs of spring already.
Springtime is seen as a time of growth, renewal, of new life (both plant and animal) being born, and of the cycle of life once again starting. Perhaps that’s why I feel this urge for change. So what is keeping me? Well… there is always doubt and each time when I cut it short I promised myself to never have it cut again. I would look at myself in the mirror, realising that with each move of the hairdresser’s hands I could feel the weight of my hair becoming less. And I would slowly start to get that panicky feeling; ‘did I do the right thing?!!’
But once cut, there’s no turning back and I would have to wait another three years before it would be of a decent length again. I’m not sure yet if I could be strong enough and not let that panicky feeling make me run away from the hairdresser’s. I guess since I’m still in doubt I’d better wait till after the wedding in June, I might have changed my mind in the meantime… *I seem to be able to really annoy myself at times!*

My Rock-a-billy-Blond/Purple Phase [with ferret in matching colour]


My First-Time-Dreads Phase [young but not innocent]


My Cover-Up-The-Grey Phase [what grey hairs?]


My I-Might-As-Well-Have-Dreads Phase [since I decided to cut it anyway, yes real ones]


My Model Phase [need to model better not touch it]

Moon Phases

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At times, two individuals in a relationship can be total strangers hiding from each other, fighting each other, cursing each other, even hating each other. At times I find myself surprised about all the different emotions and feelings two individuals can have for each other, either positive or downright negative. The challenge is to keep things in balance and take time to rediscover the other person and your own being, after a negative phase.
I did… although I’m not there yet: it will need some more evaluation and thinking. Miscommunication is often the key to our misery and I’m not sure if that is caused by a cultural clash or other weird energies or externals. I reckon it is often a bit of both. Most of the time we deal quite well with this but sometimes we are extremely bad and end up saying or doing things that we both regret later.
I have to admit that moving to London was the easy bit. Organising a life here seems to be much harder. I realised a lot of things over the xMas season because of the way things are celebrated over here. It’s so different from what I’m used to. It’s the perfect family event. So then I realised I don’t have that perfect family thing, it’s only a childhood memory these days.
The 23rd was my dad’s birthday, I still think of him on his birthday and yes I miss him. It’s just a lingering thought in the back of my head. I won’t bore you with my family history but a lot happened over the years and because of the bond I had with my dad I have been banned ever since he died. So I moved to London because I had nothing to lose. I ain’t running away, I’m trying to sort things out, for myself.
So I sent some xMas cards to this shattered family who couldn’t be bothered to ask for my new address and I reckon I still had a tiny sparkle of hope when I sent those off. A tiny sparkle that was hidden in my subconscious, hope…, to hear from them. Hope that everything would be okay so I could have that perfect xMas feeling too.
Did I fall flat on my face! Worse… The other half didn’t understand. How could he anyway, this is so deeply rooted over a period of at least half a lifetime, how could I expect him to understand? He never had a clue what was going on in my head: why I felt so extremely sad and angry inside. Realisation can hit you hard at times and I expected him to be around whenever it would hit me.
So of course things clashed…
In hindsight, things could’ve been dealt with in a better way but I guess because of what happened it made me think about the situation and I made a tiny bit of progress in letting go of the perfect family issue. All I can do is be myself, be honest and try my best if that won’t be appreciated than it’s time to move on and focus on more important things in my life…