Tag Archives: Past

The Ghost

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What I mentioned some time ago has happened, the ghost from the past tried to sneak into my life again… I was being watched thru this social networking website but it was a silent game of ‘Please notice my presence, I’m on the friends list of our mutual friend ‘Kay’… Aren’t you as curious about me as I am about you? Perhaps we could be friends again and forget my pathetic hurtful behaviour back then?‘

Nothing happened for months and of course I couldn’t be bothered to be dragged into another one of her games; I’m not fifteen anymore. I left messages for ‘Kay’ just like I did before the ghost showed up in her friends list. To my surprise (but then again not because I was expecting it in a way) I received an email through this professionals networking website which I used for business purposes only at the time.

It was surprising in a way because it meant she must have Googled me, there is no other way to find out about this profile of mine. She’d sent me a friend request and a short line telling me that she was wondering how I’m doing. I had no internet connection at the time when she sent me the request so she had been waiting for weeks already when I found it in my inbox the moment I was online again downloading my emails.

I kept her waiting for another two more weeks before I replied to her saying: ‘I’m good, thank you for asking’ and I left it at that. Of course I didn’t add her to my friends list, what was she thinking? I’m done with this, I have been ever since I sent her that email to wish her well. If she wants to satisfy her curiosity about me or get rid of her guilt she should try an apology first that’s one way to open communication lines again.

It’s such a lame way to use a friends request to wriggle yourself through the keyhole of a door that had been shut years ago. If she’d been genuine and sincere she would’ve known how to handle this the right way and write me a proper email instead. She has my business email address, it hasn’t changed for 8 years and since she’s visited my business website she could tell… When you bargain with a fox, beware of tricks.

The Week After

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This is written during a brief hiatus from blogging, when I had no internet connection for three weeks

Some things you simply can’t prepare for no matter how hard you try. It’s been almost a week now and I can’t shake this feeling of sadness. I don’t understand why but then again I do; there’s been a lot going on ever since last Saturday. All extremely emotional situations, separations, final goodbyes, tears, words spoken, truth revealed.

I should be happy but I’m not, it feels like I’m grieving but because I have no privacy I can’t really. No quiet moment because of the never-ending talking of the person I’m temporarily living with; it’s driving me insane. I have to stay patient, hold in and swallow words while all I really want is deal with things so I can let go of all these unexpected emotions…

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There was no awkward silence during the two hours drive and the topics that were discussed during the crossing were the serious kind with a bit of humour and laughter. We both came clean about past mistakes, what went wrong, where and how. I thought he had peace with his decision that night and for the first time I was convinced it was genuine and mutual.

I wasn’t prepared for the words that were spoken the next evening when I walked him to the lorry to say goodbye. I wasn’t expecting to feel that intense sadness when I saw him cry, telling me he missed me already. I wasn’t prepared to see someone hurt the way he was. It confirmed what I’d suspected all along, that he’d been wearing a fool’s mask all this time.

I wasn’t ready to hear these words after such a long time, I wasn’t ready to have so many emotions. No matter what happened between us in the past, it’s been forgiven quite a while ago. I’m getting sick and tired of hearing all the ‘good advice’ from those around me, telling me that it’s no longer my problem and that I shouldn’t care. Because I do care… as a friend.

And perhaps I’m just sad because this is the story of my life and -once again- I’m told all those words that I’ve heard before, the moment one starts to realise that what’s been taken for granted all those years is no longer available and gone for good. I know what I have to offer, it’s just sad to see most never realised until it was too late to mend.

I think I’m gonna need and take some time and having no internet is actually quite convenient. Now all I hope for is that someone could take the hints and keep quiet instead of the relentless nonstop yakking and the constant demand for my attention. I’m in need of silence and solitude but I’ve never felt more lonely and isolated inside than over the past few days.