I’m currently taking a five weeks course which is extremely interesting and involves a lot of self-reflection and psychology, just my cup of tea. And it seems it’s exactly what I needed to stay sane these days: I’ve been struggling lately to keep my chin up and see the bright side of life. I’ve had too many thoughts and worries, wondering what the hell went wrong, ‘where’ and ‘when’ and mostly ‘why’. Having extreme mood swings is not helping much either, feeling on top of things one day and utterly down the next.

I’m still struggling but I’m feeling a lot better since I’ve started this course. Just hearing all the stories from other people being in the same situation is comforting. And perhaps it sounds odd but it also made me realise that no matter what the current situation is like there are always others who have a much tougher struggle than I have. Which makes me realise that I should count my blessings really. I’m not saying this to compare situations and people because they’re all unique but it does make one think…

I can be a real tough cookie: not willing to admit that I might need others to help me, not being vulnerable and least of all asking others to support me or be there for me. So I tend to try to solve things myself and be the independent strong woman that I expect myself to be. In my experience when you need someone most, they are not there for you anyway and you can not rely on them. Most of the time help comes at the most unexpected moment from someone other than the people you expect it from.

So self-reflection is liberating and it teaches me that I can feel down when I feel down, that I don’t have to be strong all the time, that I’m definitely not alone in this and not the odd one out, that I shouldn’t have to be ashamed to be in this situation, that I should try my best to survive and do whatever possible to get back on track and that there are people/strangers out there who are willing to help if I let them. I received a huge compliment the other day, yes it was very hard to accept but it was so good to hear!

There were two groups and each had to write down a quality that they’d seen in each person of the other group: how someone has been perceived. After a while each group had to give a presentation and explain why a person was given a particular quality. My quality was ‘intelligent’… I was pleasantly surprised because I often don’t give myself any credits while deep down I know exactly what qualities I have. Somehow I just always need to hear a confirmation from others before I believe it to be true.

So since Monday I can finally start to see myself in a different light, one that is less tough and less demanding… I can allow myself to believe in me and accept myself for who I am and to trust myself to have the qualities to get through a difficult time and be successful. To look at the cause and effect but to see this as a fresh start with a million of options and opportunities to choose from instead of failure. Now please… let me hold on to this feeling… I can… I know I can!