At times, two individuals in a relationship can be total strangers hiding from each other, fighting each other, cursing each other, even hating each other. At times I find myself surprised about all the different emotions and feelings two individuals can have for each other, either positive or downright negative. The challenge is to keep things in balance and take time to rediscover the other person and your own being, after a negative phase.
I did… although I’m not there yet: it will need some more evaluation and thinking. Miscommunication is often the key to our misery and I’m not sure if that is caused by a cultural clash or other weird energies or externals. I reckon it is often a bit of both. Most of the time we deal quite well with this but sometimes we are extremely bad and end up saying or doing things that we both regret later.
I have to admit that moving to London was the easy bit. Organising a life here seems to be much harder. I realised a lot of things over the xMas season because of the way things are celebrated over here. It’s so different from what I’m used to. It’s the perfect family event. So then I realised I don’t have that perfect family thing, it’s only a childhood memory these days.
The 23rd was my dad’s birthday, I still think of him on his birthday and yes I miss him. It’s just a lingering thought in the back of my head. I won’t bore you with my family history but a lot happened over the years and because of the bond I had with my dad I have been banned ever since he died. So I moved to London because I had nothing to lose. I ain’t running away, I’m trying to sort things out, for myself.
So I sent some xMas cards to this shattered family who couldn’t be bothered to ask for my new address and I reckon I still had a tiny sparkle of hope when I sent those off. A tiny sparkle that was hidden in my subconscious, hope…, to hear from them. Hope that everything would be okay so I could have that perfect xMas feeling too.
Did I fall flat on my face! Worse… The other half didn’t understand. How could he anyway, this is so deeply rooted over a period of at least half a lifetime, how could I expect him to understand? He never had a clue what was going on in my head: why I felt so extremely sad and angry inside. Realisation can hit you hard at times and I expected him to be around whenever it would hit me.
So of course things clashed…
In hindsight, things could’ve been dealt with in a better way but I guess because of what happened it made me think about the situation and I made a tiny bit of progress in letting go of the perfect family issue. All I can do is be myself, be honest and try my best if that won’t be appreciated than it’s time to move on and focus on more important things in my life…