Step One And A Half

I was disappointed yesterday and slightly down in a way because I had high expectations about this study and its arrangements and I feel that the responsible organisation hasn’t been clear about things at all. Yesterday some facts were revealed that -to me- made it all look less bright and wonderful and I ended up in deep thinkers mode. There are only four places available while they left the impression that there would be at least 10 to 15…

There were about 28 people in the room and about three decided not to go for it after we were given a presentation: do the maths… One fact was about wages which will be extremely low during the study which will be spread over three years. Once you’ve passed your exams your pay will be slightly higher. Another fact that surfaced was the level of education which is lower than I was told so I’d need to add three more years of study.

Ever since I came home yesterday I had been thinking about what I should do and I couldn’t make up my mind. I really needed to talk to someone close today and exchange thoughts, so I rang C. at the academy. I knew he would be able to answer some of my questions that were causing doubts. By the time we hung up -an hour plus later- I was feeling positive again because of his advice and enthusiasm and full of energy to start the process.

I’ll have to write a motivational letter and might have to retake the competence test. If I’ll go through to the second round I’ll have to have a chat with the employer and take a study assessment test. It all seems pretty strict so it’s gonna be interesting to see what will happen these next couple of weeks. I’m gonna be busy… Today I also received a request from a client to design an ad to send to wholesalers and to update the website for xMas.

While I was cleaning out one of my external hard discs I ran into a smaller version of the image below. I’d forgotten about it, about taking it but it put a smile on my face and because of that I’ve decided to post the bigger version. I miss my little friend…

I miss him…

Observations

It’s interesting what you’ll discover if you look at certain friendships from a distance, without getting involved. I’ve kept my distance to see if what I was feeling and suspecting would be confirmed. Patience and waiting to see what would happen next showed me some interesting angles and made me decide to stay invisible for a while.

When in a relationship, people -especially women- tend to lose their personal identity. I’ve seen it happen too many times at very close range. I haven’t mentioned anything because it’s not my place to do so and I definitely believe that the people in question need to figure it out themselves without any interference of others. They’re probably not ready anyway…

Loss of identity usually starts slowly. Compromise is necessary to a successful relationship, but being in a relationship shouldn’t change who you are, it should add to your personality but never take away from it.. So to stay independent, as in having a healthy balance of being needed and needing people, one should take time to do things apart from a partner.

This means compromise on both parts and not making any kind of sacrifice that would allow you to merge with the other, it means spend time with your friends and have your own life and space as an individual, it means that someone who truly loves you will encourage you to keep your personal identity and creativity and allow you to seek who you are.

I’ve decided to stay invisible and retreat, when the time is right I will be there but for now I’ve chosen to put myself first instead of others. I’ve stayed in touch but didn’t hear back in months. It’s okay because I’ve learnt by trial and error and I don’t need others to define me. Being an ‘ex-merger’ I definitely know now how to keep my own space and identity.

I’ve tried my best and focusing on my own life is more important to me at the moment than wondering about others. I’m lucky to have found someone who encourages me and who is giving me time to grow. Who is happy for me that I’m about to take the first step and who believes in me and tells me ‘that I can do it!…’ I wouldn’t want it any other way…