Something is going on lately and I can’t tell what it is… perhaps one of those tidal waves again? Or is it still the same journey? Or the fact that I can finally let go and move on after all this time? There are strange vibes in the air especially today. I’m not ignoring them but trying to figure out why they’re there bothering me… I feel sad but I don’t understand why because I have no reasons at all to feel like this, it’s ridiculous…

In fact I should be extremely and I mean extremely happy! I’ve passed the engineering and IQ tests last Wednesday while I really wasn’t expecting it. It was an hour and half of constant pressure. Pressure to deliver results within time limits of 20 to 60 seconds depending on the level of difficulty. Twenty-five questions for each of the four tests… do the math. No wonder I ended up with a freakin headache.

But there was no time to have a headache since I had to discuss the result right after with the future manager and someone from HR during a second interview. The HR person asked me how the tests went. All I could answer was that I’d never done anything like it and how tough it was. I really needed a moment to clear my head but then -to my utter surprise- he congratulated me for passing the tests.

You see, they would’ve stopped the procedure if I didn’t pass the test. Since I needed this job so badly I’d put pressure on myself, knowing that I had to deliver. The moment I had to take the tests I said to myself that I could only try my best. And failure was not going to stop me from reaching my goal. If I wouldn’t pass then it wasn’t meant to be, it’s as simple as that. I would’ve continued to look for other options.

But I don’t have to because I have this job for 99.9%… All I need to do is have a third interview with a web designer this week. Then after they will give me an offer that we’ll need to discuss and then it’s probably only a matter of waiting and signing all the papers so I can start as soon as possible. I’ve just launched myself into a career change and many future options of education and possibilities…

So then why is it that I feel sad today? Is it because I no longer have certain worries? Am I sad because I now realise what I’ve had to deal with all this time and I can let go of the tough girl? I no longer have reasons to feel ashamed, weak, trapped, stupid for making yet another mistake, for trusting the wrong kind of man again and ending up in a situation that I could’ve prevented by ‘simply’ trusting my gut feeling…

I honestly can’t tell, perhaps I’m saying goodbye to the old me… because lots and lots of changes are going on: not just job-wise but also on a personal level. It’s me that’s changing while others around me are now the ones that are stuck. I’ve called the ex the other day, he sounded depressed in a way and I realised nothing nor he had changed, he was still feeling miserable while I was moving on on all levels.

So maybe that’s what I’m feeling… the fact that some are not and are showing jealousy or indifference instead. Yes it hurts at times, therefore I have to leave old things behind: people, situations, places and memories. Leave them behind to make room for new ones, better ones, different ones. The caterpillar has shed from its skins, made a chrysalis and will now continue to grow into a beautiful butterfly…

© NASA/ESA – Nebula Butterfly