Tag Archives: Balance

Juggling Words

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A while ago, I think it’s about two years, I registered with a Lowland version of something similar to Friends Reunited here in the UK. It’s a website to find childhood friends again, I registered just out of curiosity and to see who was on there. Quite a few people contacted me through email ever since, wondering what has become of me. At times it might be nice to hear from people from the past and it’s even nicer to hear what kind of impression you seem to have left or what memories. All of them seem to remember me sketching and drawing during lessons and breaks and some even kept my drawings all those years which is quite flattering. But I have to say I have doubts about the whole thing lately because I started to fail to see the point of all this when I discovered a pattern.

Let me explain: you’ll get an email in at some point, just a short one with an introduction about the sender and ending with the usual questions: how are you, what are you doing these days, where do you live, are you married, do you have children etc. And then you’ll end up replying to their email, carefully juggling the words trying to keep the balance between past and present. They usually ask me how my parents are, especially my dad; all my friends loved him because he was always interested in them and would ask questions or tell them one of his many stories. So I end up writing them that he passed away and tell them that I’m fine about it since most people don’t understand that, to me, death isn’t something final. It’s a transition which I celebrate, but how can you explain what took me years in a few lines?

Then there is a next email in which they proudly show a few pictures -followed by a request for yours- of their husband and/or wife and the children, because that’s how life is supposed to be to most: settle down and have a family. Of course I end up juggling with words again since I’ve always been an exception to the rule and my lifestyle is regarded as being at least a bit odd, but since I’m a creative person, even an artist to some, it’s accepted that I don’t have children and I’m not married *yet*, so I’m told. If I’m ‘lucky‘ I will get a follow-up email and then it usually stops there. Why you wonder? Well because I have nothing to tell them except for bringing up some memories and that’s where it stops. How can I relate to someone that has missed about 20 years of my life? How can I explain how I became the person that I am today?

One other thing that bothers me is the fact that some of them still have connections with my family somehow. I’m not afraid of telling them certain things, but I know I’ll take a risk by doing so and some things are better left unsaid. I really don’t care what they think of me, the truth will come out some day anyway but it doesn’t mean I should add fuel to the fire: they don’t need to hear from me, so it’s better to keep my distance, literally… After all, I moved here for a reason. I also believe in fate, if it was meant to be, these people would’ve stayed in my life for some reason, but they didn’t and I don’t feel much for bringing back ghost from the past just to satisfy their curiosity and hunger for a tiny snippet of information. I really don’t feel like keeping some channels open for correspondence…

There is enough going on in my life already without having the urge for expanding and getting involved in more time-consuming activities, I simply don’t want to. I would love to give my time to those who are actually part of my life, this life, here and now and not something that ‘has been‘… So I guess it might be best to put the profile on inactive. People end up having different walks of life, they choose different directions and paths which is only normal, but trying to keep something alive that is no longer there is simply a waste of time… I’d rather spend it in a more useful and far more enjoyable way: I met up with Ismoyo last Tuesday and had a wonderful time showing her around parts of London. She was over from NY for a few days to work on her project, a craft book which will be published and released in the US this year.

If you’d like to read more I suggest you’ll go over and visit her wonderful blog!

Only 6 days ago it was still a tiny root…

Compassion

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Making things clear

Valid during several weeks: During this time you may be inclined to keep your opinions to yourself and not communicate them to others, even when you should. At the same time you may be more in touch with the hidden sides of your own personality, your unconscious drives and compulsions than at most other times.

The first of these two effects may be undesirable or inappropriate, but the ability to get at hidden areas of your character can be quite useful. The problem here is that you may feel that others will hold anything you say against you. And this may be true, especially if your words are motivated by petty ego concerns. But it is even more likely that what you don’t say will be held against you, so it is very important at this time to say everything that has to be said.

The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today: Mercury in the 12th House 12, activity period from 28 December 2007 until end of February 2008.

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I don’t know what’s wrong today, well yes I do know, I just ain’t gonna write down the details. But since it seems to be important today to make things clear I’d better give it a try. I’ll write down feelings and thoughts instead and perhaps I can come up with some answers. I feel like I lost something that was very important to me, I feel like someone punched me in my stomach, I feel powerless, I feel like I tried everything that I possibly could to help from where I am and yet I’m left with this hurt inside, feeling gutted and having lots of questions in my head.

And because of this I had a freaking headache and weird dreams all night, vivid ones, scary ones. I was trying to survive hanging from one of these propeller driven airplanes and at some point lying on one of the wings trying to hold on to anything I could grab while the plane was looping. All I could see was the pilot’s face and the horizon changing angle all the time. Seconds [or minutes or hours?] later I was trying to save a boat from sinking while a serious gale was going on. I was running around getting people off the boat and saving this little girl’s life. I can’t remember how it all ended, I guess for a reason…

At times I wish one could dose the amount of empathy one could have for a person but I guess it only becomes more and more intense if that particular person means a lot to you. I don’t think you could ever measure empathy, I know for sure *I* can’t. Perhaps I should try to change empathy into sympathy to make my own hurt go away? A while ago my dear friend and Lama told me I should hang on to one of the gifts I was given since birth because it was precious, to me and to others as well: my compassion for my own vulnerability. She told me not to let my wall take over, but try to be me and able to experience pain with someone…

She taught me a valid lesson one of many actually: someone else doesn’t need to change to make us happy, it’s all about their imperfect relationship with the nature of reality. It is either ‘compassion’ or ‘frustration’, starting with understanding your own hidden pains instead of blaming others. So I’m left wondering whether I feel frustrated or whether it is compassion. Oh I understand my own hidden pains all too well and I must admit it’s probably a combination of both and like most things in life the balance of it seems to change every minute, but right now I have been on the compassionate side for quite some time.

And I feel that no matter how much it hurts, this isn’t really about me when I let compassion speak. So perhaps I should just experience the pain for now, just sit in pain for a while, mine and the other person’s pain without moving to hide it, fade it or fix it, until I find that balance again. I’m gonna be silent for a while, so that when I’m needed I can be there in a genuine way instead of a selfish one, or when I’m no longer needed I could let go and move on. Either way, I will gain: when you have the opportunity to pluck and savor the fruits of life that come with a bit of sacrifice then I assure you, they taste sweeter than the sweetest Rambutan!

I have a few more hours to go before it’s midnight but I’ll probably be asleep, so I wish you all a grand New Year and I hope 2008 will bring everything you wish for!

© Rob Stephenson