Author Archives: Zesty Gal

Unknown Depths

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Oh dear… it’s January already and I haven’t written a post in months… It’s not that I didn’t realise this because it has crossed my mind several times. It’s probably because I seem to be in the midst of this exploration into the depths of my spirit. It has taken far more time than I thought it would and I seem to find out more and more things about myself that I need to deal with or address. The whole process is far more intense than I’m willing to admit to myself and somehow really time-consuming as well.

I had another one of those life changing conversations last Sunday and I am still thinking about what was said and the impact it had on me. I’ve been crying, sitting at a table in a restaurant, a sudden outburst when I said out loud what I felt. It was like I could finally let go of some old grief and so I did, like I allowed myself to have this ‘weak’ moment. I was utterly surprised about this reaction, not the fact that I started crying but the fact that I allowed myself to be vulnerable in a public place of all places.

Somehow the other person’s words hit home and I couldn’t deny what was said, some was true. I was defending myself because I was being realistic while the other person thought I was making up excuses for not doing what I’d like to do. The ‘problem’ with me is that I tend to keep things in my head, I don’t tell others unless I’m certain about all of the facts. So when I do tell them stuff I’ll start with the end result and they don’t get to see the whole process that has been going on in my head from beginning to end.

I end up having to defend my reasons and explain each and every step that I’ve taken already over a certain period of time, while I was crystallizing my thoughts to see if my ideas could be brought to life. If I dismiss an idea it’s not because I am making up excuses not to bring it to life, it’s because I’ve had a proper look at it, done all the research and concluded in the end that it was not viable and so I moved on. Having to explain this to someone who is not actually truly listening is draining me from energy.

But this conversation was good, because I realised that I should indeed do something instead of spending too much time researching possible viability. So I’m back to notebooks and writing down other thoughts and ideas. In the meantime I’m working on the core me and it feels good. I’ve deleted some ‘friends’ from FB, people that have been lurking for months trying to satisfy their curiosity only. I have gotten rid of them and I can’t tell you how good it feels to finally listen to myself and set boundaries.

Oh I’m sure I will receive some emails about this but to be honest I can’t be bothered. There are a few more on the deletion list but I’m waiting till after my birthday to see if they really are a ‘friend’ *wink*… If some can’t be bothered to leave me a message while I’m wishing them a happy new year and delete my post on their wall than so be it. I really don’t mind if they untag the image but I do mind if they can’t be bothered to at least send me a note/email about it. I must admit it felt good to unfriend them.

A relief somehow… so if it feels like a relief to me than why on earth am I keeping up with the bullshit? I was tired of couples constantly commenting on each other’s profile whilst sitting in the same room: don’t you have a life outside FB??? I’ve stayed away from FB for a good reason, I haven’t been home much anyway, been traveling around a bit but staying away from FB felt good too. I’ve been spending more time on myself and making myself happy which is exactly what I should be doing in the first place.

2010 has been a year of lots of insights, 2011 will be a year of hard work: I would like to make changes… because I owe it to myself. Ever since I’ve decided this, I have gained more energy and creativity is coming back to me like a very energetic flow that is dying for expression. I’m on the right path and I won’t be distracted this time. Change is slow but it is there and working its magic, I just have to be patient and remind myself of this every so often, and keep faith that all is splendid. It is…

Murphy Has It Coming

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I feel I’ve been wasting my time lately with all sorts of things that seem to pop up out of nowhere. I had one bad issue after another over the last three weeks. First of all my computer died and as you can imagine I was not happy about it because I have invested quite some money on extra hardware and software to upgrade it and keep it running smooth. It was still the perfect computer to me until it unexpectedly gave up on me one day while I was busy studying and working.

I heard this loud tick, my monitor went black and I could hear the fan slowly coming to a halt. I knew straight away that it was the power supply so I did some research online and found out, it had been a hardware issue waiting to happen. Apple knew about this since they released this computer, they’ve managed to sell faulty products for three years… Of course I checked to see if there was a repair program, there was, but it closed in January this year and knowing Apple I shouldn’t expect extras…

I did call though… and on top of all the crap, I had to deal with an extremely annoying person, who kept telling me that I didn’t register that computer with Apple. She had that tone in her voice like she was almost accusing me of stealing the piece of hardware. Later, after I’d spoken with a really nice person at the Apple dealer who’d explained to me how to check my registry, I found out that I was indeed registered. It only confirmed the fact that I’d been trying to have a conversation with a right cow.

I’m still thinking about making an official complaint, it was something the manager at the Apple store mentioned to me. It just doesn’t sit well with me and I don’t wish to be treated like that especially not by a company that has become extremely arrogant over the years. To be honest, I was so pissed off, I was ready to swap to PC… that should tell you something *wink*… It’s solved for now, I’m using my good old Powerbook: it doesn’t have enough power to do anything else besides email and internet.

But it works until the proper stuff is in. Of course it took me ages to transfer most of my files to one of my removable HDs. Lucky me I could borrow some gadget from my brother to connect a harddisk through USB to another computer to transfer stuff but I still need to find a case to put these old harddisks in so I can continue to use them. Something like this would be awesome… Anyway… when I finally had setup a proper work space I found out that my business domain had been hacked *bring it on!*

So I’m still cleaning up the mess… I had to delete websites and reinstall them, it’s the kind of stuff you don’t want to do when there are more urgent issues to deal with. I’m supposed to study the next couple of months to update my webdesign knowledge. I started reading some O’Reilly books on CSS, Drupal, Flash, CMS, SEO etc. and it has come to a grinding halt ever since I ran into these horrid problems. On top of that -since I haven’t got a start date yet with the new employer- I still have to apply for jobs.

I actually received a phone call last week from the owner of an architectural design agency who wanted to meet me and have a chat. I’d applied for a job the week prior to his phone call but the job was no longer available. He said he was impressed with my CV though and invited me to meet up with them. I’ll have to visit them this Thursday and in a way I’m really looking forward to this. I know they use Drupal to build websites while they’re also in need of Drupal freelancers: 1+1=2? *wink*

We’ll see… for now I have plenty of work to catch up on so if you wonder why I’m quiet again that is your answer. So if you will excuse me, I have someone called Murphy to deal with, I think I’m going to pwn him…